Sunday, March 30, 2008

Out of the Mouth of Babes... Or Trying Anyway!

Conversation between Megan and Jack in the car yesterday.

Jack: "When you become evil, you have to be very mean."
Megan: "I know someone evil. Her name is Mildred. Mildred is an evil lunch lady."
Me: "That's an interesting character Megan. You could write a story about that."
Megan: "Yeah, Mildred is the ev..."
Jack: "You have to be mean when you are evil."
Megan: "Yeah, Mildred is the evil lunch lady and..."
Jack: "Dad, Dad, Dad... did you know..."
Megan: "Mildred is the evil lunch lady who..."
Jack: "... is a Bakugan??? Mildred is a Bakugan."
Megan: "No, Jack! Milfred is the..."
Jack: "Dad, did you know..."
Megan: "Jack! Stop it! Jack keeps interru..."
Jack: "No I'm not!"

Imaginary Friends

Imaginary friends are an interesting concept. I can't really recall if I had any imaginary friends as a child. I believe Jay had more of an "alter ego" than an imaginary friend. The story goes that Jay told his mom one day that he wanted to be known as "Spike Thunder Road". Megan didn't have an imaginary friend, per se. Although, when she was in pre-school, she did draw a family picture that included her American Girl doll, Molly. That was more of a case of mistaken identity though, since I had to clarify at the pre-school parent teacher conference that Molly was actually a DOLL, and not our third child.

Jack is a different story. He's had a couple of imaginary friends in his life. His first, and most lengthy, was a boy named Han. Jack sometimes called Han his brother. I'm not sure where he got that name, but Jay thinks it was from Star Wars (Hans Solo). At any rate, Han was around for a while. Jack used to "play" with him all the time and sometimes when he would get in trouble, he would blame whatever it was on Han. We haven't heard much about Han lately but when you ask "What ever happened to Han?" Jack typically responds, "Han got run over by a car so he's dead and went to Heaven."

So, since Han's demise, Jack has acquired a new imaginary friend named Jake. Jack has informed us that "imaginary friends are invisible people that you like and if they get runover, nothing happens." I overheard Jack telling Jay about his new friend. It was quite detailed. I was impressed. "I have a new imaginary friend. His name is Jake. He has a pet dog. It is a pug. His name is barkey. Jake is into Bakugans and Pokemon. He's got all the 'set ups'!"

Yesterday, we went to the library for a while and Jay took Jack with him to look for books. While they were wandering the aisles the following conversation took place (I'm paraphrasing parts as this was relayed to me by Jay):
Jack: "Me and my friend Jake talk about inappropriate words."
Jay: "Oh really?"
Jack: "Yeah, we don't say the word though. We just talk about it."
Jay: "What word is it? What does it rhyme with?"
Jack: "It sounds like... T-t-t-t...uck..."
Jay (not saying anything but certainly thinking how the heck does Jack know that word?)
Jack (continuing to sound it out): "T-t-t...jut"
Jay (translating): "Do you mean 'idiot'?"
Jack: "Yeah, that's the word we talk about but we don't say it.

I'm Going to Need Bigger Socks

As I was drinking my coffee this morning to get my day going, Megan wandered over and sat down next to me. We were looking through a Land's End magazine and she was pointing out what she liked and wanted.

Me: "Your nails are getting quite long. Are you going to let them grow long?"
Megan (looking at me funny): "Why are you asking?"
Me: "If you aren't planning on letting them grow, I was going to clip them. But if you are going to let them grow, that's fine too. I was just curious."
Megan (pondering): "Hmmm...Well, I think I might let them grow but then I'll need to get bigger socks."
Me (laughing): "I was talking about your FINGER nails, you nut!"

Friday, March 28, 2008

Caterpillar Eyebrows

The kids are in bed. It's March Madness. So naturally, I'm on the computer. Jay is flipping through the channels and stops for a moment on PBS. They have a show on about the history of Chicago. I can tell it must be interesting because he stopped changing the channel for 20 seconds. Since it is public broadcasting, they had one of the hosts come on during intermission to ask (beg) the public for money. I looked up from my laptop and saw a big bushy mess. I said, "Whoa, look at that lady's eyebrows!". Jay said, "Look at her belt!". To which I responded, "I can't even see her belt, what with those EYEBROWS!"

It's hard to explain but they were very bushy but then faded into super thin-ness. It was all I could focus on when I looked at the television. It was quite mezmerizing. Finally, after a few more moments of gazing at the screen, Jay and I got on the same page. He said, "You are right. They are so BIG. It's like caterpillars are crawling on her face."

I love it when we see eye to eye (no pun intended).

Hot Tranny Mess

I can't get enough of this SNL clip. I actually found myself telling Jay the other day that "Our kitchen is a hot tranny mess up in here."

What Is With Our Counter?

I can't figure out how this became the new television watching "hot spot".

Thursday, March 27, 2008

"Mom Are You Amazed That This Is Comfortable?"

Since I'm quite busy working on my computer, anything goes around here. Case in point, Megan in my kitchen, on the counter watching TV. "Mom, aren't you amazed that this is comfortable?"

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Spring Break

Spring break is coming up next week. This was a topic of discussion in our house tonight. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "So, what are you all going to do with all your free time next week?"
Jay: "I don't know. What do you want to do guys?"
Megan: "Aren't we going on vacation?"
Me (to myself): Uh, no. I'm still not over the last 3 family "vacations" we've taken where either Megan or Jack ended up in the hospital or emergency care facility. And yes (I responded to myself) I do realize that I need to get over it.
Me (to the rest of the family): "Not this Spring Break. We are going to Okoboji this summer though."
Megan: "Well, can't we go somewhere without having to get on a plane and we can drive by car? How about Wisconsin?"
Me: "Wisconsin???? Wisconsin is so close that you will still have to wear all your winter clothes. What fun is that?"
Megan: "Well, they have indoor water parks in Wisconsin. We could go to one of those."
Jack (looking up from putting together his puzzle): "Yeah, we can go to 'Co-Co Key'!

We all looked at each other and burst out laughing as we all have no idea where 'Co-Co Key' is!

The Down Side of Birthing Children

I am sick. I have been fighting it for a few days now but I've definitely got what Jack had last week. I seem to have acquired this hacking cough that sneaks up on me. I think I actually pulled a muscle in my back from coughing so hard. It's either from coughing or from when I strained opening a tightly closed sippy cup (which would just be pathetic so I'm assuming it's the cough). Yesterday, I was on a conference call at work and thought I had my phone on mute. That is, until my co-worker, and friend, popped up on IM with "Dude, was that you coughing????". Oops! Last night, I slept apart from Jay so I wouldn't keep him awake. Today was more of the same.

Tonight, I was talking to Jay about the latest "status" on my illness. We were standing in the kitchen and I was explaining that the worst part of having a HORRIBLE cough for the last couple days was the amount of underwear I went through. He looked at me with his "uh, that's too much information" look but I felt the need to explain further. "Well, after you have a couple kids, your bladder doesn't work the way it used to. It's one of the side effects of having kids."

Apparently, Megan was sitting near us listening to the conversation because she chimed in with, "Um, I'm still here!" Jay looked at her and laughed and said, "Yeah! Me too!"

Monday, March 17, 2008

The Most Popular Girl in the Parking Lot

Last week I was in LA at a customer event. My flight was scheduled to leave at the crack of, well- actually before the crack of dawn. I strolled out to the parking lot where the front desk attendant assured me there should be cabs-a-plenty waiting for me. As I suspected, working the night shift must have impaired her judgement to understand when the rest of the human population was awake. There was not a cab in sight. I lugged my bags back into the lobby and informed her there were no cabs waiting. She got on her walkie-talkie and made a request for a cab and let me know it would be about 5 minutes. I strolled back outside (as best as you can stroll down stairs with a purse, laptop bag and a suitcase) and waited.

Like clockwork, about 5 minutes later, two cabs show up at exactly the same time. I immediately sense the tension as they both are aware of the others existence and race to jump out of their cabs to grab my attention. Ten seconds later, there are two men calling to me to get in their cab. "Here you go lady. I have my cab for you!" "No, no Miss, put your luggage in my trunk. I come for you!". I must say, I've never been the object of such desperation. It was a bit disarming. I hesitated and gave a brief assessment to the situation.

Both speak English- check!
Both look as though they will actually get me to my requested destination without me ending up in the La Brea Tar Pits?- check!

Wow, it's a difficult choice. Finally, one of the drivers says to me, "I get call from hotel that you wait for cab." That clinched it for me. Decision made. I put my luggage in his trunk and start for the back seat.

So the taxi driver I didn't select (from now on referred to as Non-Chosen Driver) now turns his attention to the other driver (from now on referred to as Chosen Driver). They start yelling at each other.
"I was here first"
"I got the call- you can look on my monitor"

The fact that Chosen Driver actually got a call seemed unbelievable to Non-Chosen Driver. Non-Chosen Driver is now P-I-S-S-E-D. He's now leaning his body into the cab and demanding proof that the call came in. He's squinting at the monitor and still yelling at Chosen Driver. I'm in the back seat, ready to go and Chosen Driver wants to take me but I suspect it's illegal to drive off with another cab driver hanging out of your window. Now Chosen Driver is screaming at Non-Chosen Driver to get out of his cab but the guy just won't give up. As if at this point, there is any chance in hell I would exit this cab and enter his. I'm now convinced my earlier assessment of being safe from the La Brea Tar Pits if I ride with him might not be 100% accurate. If I hadn't been in danger of missing my flight, it might have been interesting to see how it all played out. As it was, it didn't seem to be winding down on its own so I sensed I might need to intervene. I guessed that me nicely requesting, "Sir, do you mind perhaps removing your upper torso from the driver's side window so we can depart?" might not have the intended result. So, I opted instead to look him straight in the eye and scream at the top of my lungs, "GET OUT OF THE CAB! I'VE GOTTA GO! BACK UP! GET OUT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS".

Non-Chosen Driver snapped to attention and looked like he was surprised to see me in the back seat. Which in an odd way, I found insulting since for the last 10 minutes they had been fighting over, well... ME!

Cartoon Categorization

This morning Jack wasn't feeling well. I had a TON of work to do, so in my typical Mother-of-the-Year fashion, I loaded Jack up on ibuprophen and sat him in front of the TV for a good 6 hours straight. As I checked in on him periodically, I think I could physically see his IQ dropping from watching too much TV. But as Jack sat feeling feverish on my couch, he informed me of the following:

"My favorite 'non-fighting' show is the Backyardigans and my favorite 'fighting' show is Ben 10 Alien-Force."

He followed that up with:

"Mom, did you know Pirates never sit down?"


"Did you know there are footsteps when no one is around?"

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that brain of his. His random thoughts reminded me of the little kid from the movie "Jerry Maguire" who tells Tom Cruise things like, "The human head weighs 8 pounds" and "Do you know bees can smell fear?". However, a co-worker of mine had a different slant on it. He's Canadian and grew up watching The Kids in the Hall. He likened Jacks comments more to a character named Gavin...

Sunday, March 9, 2008

We're Just Fine, Thanks

Megan was "Star of the Week" last week. This is the one week of the school year where a kid gets the chance to brag. We spent the prior weekend creating photo timelines, posters of her favorite things and selecting which of her belongings she wanted to show off to her class. Since there was so much stuff, we decided it might be best if I drive her to school instead of having her lug all the stuff on the bus. Monday was really crummy; We had a ton of snow from a previous snowstorm still on the ground but on this particular day, it was raining pretty hard. This caused some of the snow to begin to melt, mingle with the mud below and, because of the cold temperatures, create a layer of ice over the top of the snow.

We pulled up to the school and parked on the street about half a block away. I got out of the driver's side and went around to the passenger side to let Megan out. There was a slight hill on the passenger side and I almost slipped and fell as I rounded the car but was able to catch my balance. I opened the umbrella to shield us from the now pouring rain, and in the other hand grabbed the bag of "Star of the Week" stuff. As I stepped backwards up the hill to let Megan get out of the car, I started to slip and with both hands full of crap, there was no way to save myself from going down. I ended up laying on the muddy ground, flat on my back, in my WHITE down coat. In an effort to make sure the stuff didn't get wet, I held up both of my hands and tried to shield the bag in one hand with the umbrella that was in the other.

And then there was Megan- she took one step out of the car, slipped on the ice and fell face first down on top of me. So there we were, the two of us laying on the side of the road in the pouring rain with cars whizzing by watching us. I couldn't help but start to laugh. One woman passing by called out, "Hey are you okay?" and I responded from my prone position, "Yup, we're just fine, thanks!"

Megan and I were finally able to get ourselves back to a standing position. I felt pretty proud that the stuff was still in great condition and Megan didn't seem to have sustained any permanent damage. I, on the other hand, was a bit of a mess. My pants and part of my coat had wet mud all over it but I continued to walk towards the school determined not to be embarrassed, regardless of my appearance. I truly hoped Megan would understand the motherly sacrifice I just made but instead, she looked down at the quarter sized wet spot on her pants and said, "Mom! My pants are wet! I can't go to school like this."

My reply... "Oh yes you can!"

Asians in Church?

So, before I discuss what inappropriate behavior took place this morning at church, I must provide a backstory to provide context to the "situation". A couple weeks ago, I was on a business trip and went out to dinner with a co-worker. During dinner she told me a couple stories that were so funny, that I literally wept into my napkin. According to the story, her friend went on a date to a Chinese restaurant. Apparently, she had never been to an authentic Chinese restaurant before but had this "amazing" dish. A short time later, she decided she would go back for a second visit to have the same food again. She asked the waiter for the "Po Fly Rye". The waiter didn't seem to understand what she was asking for at first so she kept repeating it, asking if they had "Po Fly Rye". But in actuality, what she was asking for was "Pork Fried Rice".

Now on to today's events at church. As our Priest was getting the eucharist prepared, we were instructed to "bow in reverence". Normally, most of the parishoners just nod their heads to suffice as a bow. I normally do the same. However, this morning for some reason I was distracted. So when the Priest made his request, I fully hinged at my hip and did a full on bow as if I was coming out on stage to applause after a stellar performance in a play. It looked kind of like this (minus the major cleavage)...

I immediately noticed my awkward bow and it didn't go by Jay unnoticed, either. Jay leaned over and whispered to me, "Wow, your bow had a bit of an Asian flavor to it." Of course, I started giggling uncontrollably. Then to pile on, he leaned over and said, "Po Fly Rye." Well, that was it. We tag teamed laughing for a good five minutes. Every time I thought it was under control, he would start laughing again and then the whole cycle would start over. It got so bad that I had to walk out of the church and go compose myself in the bathroom.

So much for setting a good example in church for our children!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Ah, Yes...An Uncomfortable Moment in the Checkout Line at Target

I love Target. I really, really do. However, I can't seem to escape the place without spending at least $200. I always go in for one thing and come out with way more than I need. And the dollar aisle??? Forget about it! Since I rely on Target so heavily, I don't want anything to occur that would make it uncomfortable for me to continue returning to that wonderful establishment. Yesterday we were in the checkout line and the man checking us out was nice enough, but he had well, not a speech impediment really, more of a slow talker. It's hard to describe but his voice reminded me of when I was young and would take my record player and change it from the normal speed to the slow speed (the 33 RPM setting, I believe). At any rate, I see Jack staring at him out of the corner of my eye and then I hear Jack comment,"That guy is weird. That guy's voice sounds weird."

I turned to Jack, gave him my best evil eye and said quietly through clenched teeth, "Ja-ack!" Jack straightened up and to try to recover from his inappropriate comment said, "Sorry Momma...That guy's voice just isn't that interesting. It sounds like he's sleepy. He has a sleepy voice."

What's Wrong With That Dog?

Yesterday we ran a few errands in our town. As we were walking around, we saw a man walking his dog, a Boxer. We all commented that we thought the dog was cute. A few moments passed and Megan said to me, "There's something wrong with that dog. There's something weird around the back of it." I immediately knew what she was talking about. Nowadays you don't see many ummm, how shall I say it... unneutered male dogs roaming around. So the thing that was "wrong" with the dog was he had his testicles still intact. I started laughing and Megan looked at me and responded, "What Mom! It's gross!"