Friday, July 4, 2008

An apology to my kids for having half of my genes floating through your DNA

To Megan and Jack,

I want to say I am sorry. I know you may not care about this now, but at some point in your future, between the months of May and September, you may wonder how this may have happened to you. What exactly is "this" you ask? Well, "this" is half of my DNA that is floating in your body that could potentially result in "this":

And I know you may be scared, but it's okay. I know you've seen me gingerly touching my skin, canceling the follow up trips to the pool, and heard your dad say, "Man doesn't that look painful?" with that winced look on his face. But I can tell you this, you will make it through this. Given my many years of dealing with my milky white skin, I have a few bits of wisdom to impart on you as you grow older:

1) First and most importantly, DON'T EVER FORGET SUNSCREEN. Yesterday was a total lapse in judgement for me and the additional lesson here is that even big people make mistakes.

2) Take up winter sports. Ice skating, snowboarding and the luge are all fine choices.

3) Pick your friends wisely as you grow older. Birds of a feather is what I say in the skin department. I mean it. I'm just saying I'm going to save you a bunch of alone time. I can't tell you how many times my Puerto Rican, Italian, Greek, Filipino and...and... well I'm not sure what nationality the other friends were but I can tell you that they tanned very nicely. But anyway, as I was saying, I can't tell you how many times, after 10 minutes in the sun with baby oil, I heard myself say, "Okay, well that's it for me. I'm fried to a crisp." and then went inside to watch MTV for hours by myself.

Now for you, the phrase "fried to a crisp" will probably just be a figure of speech because no one in their right mind would consider laying out with baby oil anymore. But for me, unfortunately, it was that I literally had fried myself to a crisp.

That said, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you. In an effort to dilute your milkiness, I found and married a lovely man with FANTASTIC skin. I'm sure you've noticed this already. Especially when I'm standing next to your dad glowing like a beacon in the night next to him in all his tanned glory. But it is my hope and prayer that in the skin department, you have acquired a significant, if not majority chunk, of his DNA. But only time will tell.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that you have a smooth road ahead of you for the summers to come. Megan, I think you may have lucked out but Jack, I'm a little worried about you buddy. But in either case, I love you and am here to support your skin no matter what.



Carolyn...Online said...

Baby oilers unite! Our kids won't believe we did that...

Zip n Tizzy said...

When I was 4 years old I went to the lake for the day with friends who were Dutch Indonesian, and "the Kings grandson." If I remember correctly he was visiting from Nubia.
Long story short, nobody thought to put sunscreen on blonde little me, and I came home blistered and red as a lobster :( said...

I'll never forget the first time I laid out in Phoenix. My friend tried to urge me to turn over but I replied, "Um, don't worry. I'm Mexican."
I was so burnt I had to call in to work the following Monday because clothing against my skin put me in severe pain.

The Mother said...

As a fellow lobster, I feel your pain.

But there is a saving grace. White skin is IN in the Goth crowd. You could get lucky.

Besides, you have a few other genes that are nice. The HUMOR gene, perhaps.