Friday, August 1, 2008

Exorcist anyone?

I think I'm going to call my priest and ask him how exactly you go about scheduling an exorcism. I mean it. I'm not kidding. Jack started out his day his normal happy self but at approximately 12:20 PM today, he was possessed by the devil, or a demon or something just plain, well...evil. The alleged possession took place at our local Target store. After picking up Jack from camp, I opted to make a quick run to Target for a new vacuum cleaner. (side note: I think my cleaning lady was trying to tell me that my vacuum cleaner was broken yesterday. It was either that, or that she's decided she's no longer including vacuuming as part of her cleaning routine. But she's Ukrainian so I'm not totally sure.) I told the kids that they could pick out a small toy. Jack picked a toy, then decided he wanted a different one. Then a different, different one. And finally a different, different, different one. And when the fourth request came to make another change I put my foot down. "It's the toy you have in your hand or nothing." I said.

And I'm not sure exactly what happened next but this is when I assume the possession took place because before I knew it, there was a lot of screaming, jumping, crying and throwing of his body on the ground. He screamed at the top of his lungs, "I WANT THE OTHER TOY!" I remember my hushed whisper between clenched teeth, "You have got to be absolutely insane if you think you are getting a toy right now!" Then it all gets a little bit fuzzy but there was a lot of me saying, "We are leaving right now." And Megan minorly freaking out saying, "Are we just leaving the cart here with all the stuff in it???" and "Oooh, Jack, you are gonna get it!"

I vaguely remember people in the store looking awkwardly at us and kind of nervously smiling which was either due to Jack screaming hysterically or me carrying him out kicking and screaming while I held him oddly under my arm like I was carrying a football. Which in theory seemed like a good idea. But it really wasn't because it meant his arms were free to scratch my legs to holy hell all the while kicking Megan at the same time. I have to give it her though, she took the kicks like a champ and just kind of laughed it off. After I dragged Jack through the parking lot, she even just rolled her eyes when I was buckling him into his booster seat and he was swinging at me all the while calling out to Megan, "Megan, you are MEAN. You are a MONSTER!"

When we got home, Jack asked, "Can I do anything electronic?" My response was obviously, "No Way!". But I'm not sure who was being punished more. With no distractions for Jack, and me trying to get some work done, he just sat there and asked question upon question.

"When can I watch TV?"
"Can I never watch TV ever again?"
"So you mean I can't do anything electronic?"
"The only things I want to do are electronic."
"Mom, can I pay you some moneys to not be in trouble?"
"Do you want some money? Do you?"

And on and on it went until he totally wore me down. Jack's demon seemed to take a hiatus for a few hours in the afternoon but it reappeared after both kids made their way outside to play. About 2 minutes later the door came flying open and it was Megan. She was whimpering, and she was absolutely soaked. Apparently, Jack took water from the wading pool and kicked it and it splashed up all over her. Poor girl, she looked like a drowned rat.

I told him tonight that I want Happy Jack to reappear tomorrow. If the demon reappears tomorrow, I'm going to have to make a stop at my local church to meet with my priest and work out some type of deal.


Twenty-Something said...

HAHAHAHAHA! You make me laugh so hard at the computer screen my boyfriend thinks I need an exorcism or a straight jacket..

seriously though, hysterical. I get the full visual. esp picturing all the looks when you carried him out like a football... who hasn't been there but still we look!

SF housewife said...

Jack is 4 years old, there's must a way to talk to him, let him know this is not right. Only good boy get good things.

patty said...

Oh my. I have no doubt, sweet revenge will be Megan's some time soon.

Jen W said...

@twenty-something-Certainly not one of my finer parenting moments.

@SF housewife-Agree. We did have a long talk about it and the rest of his day was filled with boredom. He's usually a good boy. Just had a bit of a melt down. Luckily, those scenes are few and far between for us.

@patty-Oh you betcha!!!

Ms Picket To You said...

i love jack when he is naught and nice.

Nessa said...

LMAO, scary enough Target, wal-mart and The Dollar Store are prevalent area's in which possession seems to occur. Perhaps we can have THOSE places exorcised and thereby avoid the child scratching the crap out of us altogether. Been there, done that. The last one i remember was over cookies with my adorable 2 year old screaming " I just want some F**kin cookies!!!!!!!" Aye aye aye. He'a 12 now and the possessions have stopped so at least the demon appears not to like older children lol.