Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Resolutions and rules

The female units in my house are making a stand in 2009. The boys? Meh, it seems as though they will just keep on keeping on without much added structure in 2009. That is fine if it works for them but I on the other hand, well- I'm a planner. I thrive in structure and as such, have found myself in a quandary the last couple weeks. I've taken two weeks of vacation from work. It's too much. I don't know what to do with myself without my daily structure so most times, I find myself doing absolutely nothing. I actually found myself wondering yesterday, What day of the week is it today? . Add to that a voicemail from my dad wishing me a Happy New Year and I was all, whaaa??? Am I missing New Year's?!? Actually, I realize it wasn't New Year's but it made me wonder if my dad did but that's a whole other post for another day. Without my usual structure, I've taken on a "devil may care" attitude about a lot of things, mainly food and exercise. And as such, I've found myself consuming MASSIVE quantities of food with ZERO exercise to counter balance it. Add to that a dash of reality provided by my holiday Wii Fit purchase when I had to weigh myself and OH.MY.GOD. There you have it a New Year's resolution is born.

Here is a snapshot of my two world's colliding:

Notice the open box of Fannie May Mint Melt Aways (the best chocolate ever invented in deceiving bite size pieces) sitting right next to my exercise Wii video (still in its untouched original packaging) and there you have it- My life from the past two weeks in a nutshell.

So, needless to say, my New Year's resolutions include less food/better food and more exercise. In addition to that, I have my old trusty stand by resolutions. The things I put on my list year after year but never seems to pan out.
-Stop biting nails (it's a filthy disgusting habit)
-Call and see my friends more often (I've been known to go M.I.A. quite a bit)
-Tell my family I love them more often.

Megan doesn't exactly have resolutions, I would say it's more a list of rules that she created for her room.

In case you can't read the picture, here is the recap:
Rules:
1) I make all the rules so everything I say goes!
2) Don't throw stuff.
3) No boys (dads welcome)
4) Never look through my closet.
5) No looking through the drawers.
6) Don't get crazy.
7) You can't come in if you have play guns or swords & stuff.
8) No yelling (unless I say it's okay).
9) No drinks like grape juice, pop and stuff.
Any questions? Look at #1.
Thanks.
With love,
Megan

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Sharing food...and shovels

Megan and Jack are usually pretty good about sharing- well, except when it comes to food. We have to coax them to be willing to share their food, Megan even more so than Jack; Jack is typically pretty easy going in that respect. I'm not sure where Megan obtained her minor hoarding mentality when it comes to food. It's not like she's ever been in a situation where she didn't have *enough* food but she still likes to ask, "How many of these can I have?" or "Is there more?" essentially at every meal.

For example, last night we went out to a neighborhood restaurant for dinner. Megan ordered buttered pasta and Jack had corn dogs. (I know, I know...sounds like a dietitian's delight but whatever). When the food came, Jack wanted some of Megan's pasta and offered a corn dog in exchange. The first go around resulted in a meager trade of one mini corn dog for approximately 8 bow tie pasta. Then a round of whining ensued. "What?? This is all the pasta I got???" and "But he only gave me ONE of the corn dogs!"

...sigh...

(Insert parenting speech on how we share everything in our family, it's nice to share, have you ever left a meal hungry and we can always order more if you really are that hungry blah blah blah)

At this point, Jack extended his olive branch of another corn dog in exchange for some more of the butteriest pasta I've ever seen. After another successful exchange of food across the table, Jay and I commented on how great Jack shared. Megan commented, "I'm pretty good at sharing almost everything but food." Jay asked, "Oh really? Like what else?"

Megan's response, "Um, like I'm good at sharing shovels."

???

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The post Christmas mini meltdown and the surprising amount of swearing in A Christmas Story

Usually, I tend to romanticize Christmas. I liken it to childbirth in some ways; the more time that passes, I seem to forget the excruciating pain of the previous year's decorating, cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, or the relative that drinks too much, etc. So by October or November, I've completely forgotten and am looking forward to the upcoming Christmas season with eager anticipation. I have to say, I think this year lived up to my romantic expectations. My sister-in-law captured it perfectly in her blog entry here.

Typically, all my Christmas decorations are taken down and boxed away by midnight on 12/26 but they are still up. I think this is due to a complicated combination of me not wanting this holiday season to end, and the fact that I ingested so many types of food in such vast quantities that it left me completely comatose yesterday by 7 PM. It was quite a gluttonous sight- so much so that I'm contemplating, just for fun, to see how much food I can actually consume between now and New Year's Eve.

Anyway, still riding our Christmas high, Megan and I decided to watch A Christmas Story last night (okay, who am I kidding, it was late yesterday afternoon since I was comatose and in bed by 8PM). It seemed like every two minutes Megan felt the need to comment, "That kid just said a bad word." or "Did that Dad just say a bad word?" or "That's a bad word, isn't it?" And you know what? She was right. I guess I never noticed but the dad in that movie has a filthy, filthy mouth. Not that I have any room to talk. I've been known to throw down my fair share of potty mouth, but I just have a pretty good filter so I usually don't slip up in front of the kids. Then during the scene where Ralphie mistakenly says the "F" word, or "The F, dash, dash, dash word" Megan asked me, "What is the F word anyway?"

"Oh,that's not a word you need to know so I'm not going to say it." I said.

She thought for a moment. "Does it have a U in it?"

"Yes."

"Does it have a C in it?"

"Yes."

"Does it have a K in it?"

"Yes."

"I know what that word is."

"How do you know what that word is?"

"I saw it spray painted on the tennis courts last summer. It was right next to a mushroom."

"Oh."

And I left it at that. It was time to shut off the movie and go to bed. After tucking the kids in, I flopped into bed. A moment later, I heard Jack walking down the hall. A band aid on his thumb fell off and needed a replacement so I helped him out. As he got back into bed, he bumped his head on his top bunk and a mini- post-Christmas-meltdown ensued. I went to grab an ice pack and upon my return Jack informed me of the following:

"Three bad things happened to me today. First, I forgot my blanket and had to go all the way downstairs to get it. The second thing is that my band aid fell off. And the third thing is that I bumped my head and needed an ice pack."

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Tis the season for empathy, turkey and time machines to Heaven

It's freezing here and as such, we all huddled in the house today. We did venture out this morning for church and noticed the temperature was -3 degrees (not counting the chilling wind that whipped through the air). Jack had a hard time with the walk from the car to church. He started to cry and exclaimed that he was "frost bit".

After church, we scampered from the car into our nice, warm home. "When it's this cold outside, doesn't it make you feel lucky that you have a nice warm home to live in?" I asked my kids. They both agreed and I commented, "Mr. Scott is probably really cold today. I feel bad for him." (Mr. Scott is the one prominent homeless man that lives in our town.) As I hung my coat up, I heard a whimper and turned around to find Jack, in his little Santa hat, crying.

"What's the matter, Jack?" I asked as I squatted down to his level.

"Mr. Scott is probably so cold. He might freeze to deaf."

"Aww buddy, are you sad for Mr. Scott?"

"Uh huh." he nodded and his chin quivered some more.

Although my heart was breaking, I felt proud that even at his young age, Jack could empathize.

***************************************
Later in the day, Jack started snooping around the kitchen for something to snack on. I overheard him having a conversation with some turkey.

"Turkey...oh turkey!" he sang. "You can't hide from the Jackster. I can smell you turkey!"

I don't even know what to say about that.

***************************************
All the lounging around made for some interesting conversations as Jack pondered the following:

1) Family relations and who is related to each other.
2) What happens when you get to Heaven and if you start out all over as a baby once you are there.
3) If there was a way to build a machine that could get you to Heaven for a visit.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Scared to deaf

Usually going to bed every night is a family event. Sometime between 7:30 and 8:00, Jay and I corral the kids upstairs, nudge them along to hurry up in brushing their teeth, and put them to bed with hugs and kisses. Last night things happened a bit differently.

Megan and Jay thought it would be funny to run up the stairs first and hide from me and Jack. As Jack and I walked up the stairs, I heard them whispering. I said to Jack, "I think Daddy and Megan are hiding from us and are going to jump out and scare us." Jack decided he was going to be pretty brave and started taunting our hidden family members. He ran from room to room yelling, "Show yourselves!!!" But his first few demands went unanswered.

We moved on to my room and saw nothing. Next Jack ran into our dark bathroom and was about to yell, "Show yourselves!" one last time but he didn't realize that Megan and Jay were hiding just inside the doorway of the bathroom. When Megan and Jay both yelled at the top of their lungs, "RRRROOOOAAAARRRR!!!!" even I was startled. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a huge lump flying backwards. I looked to my left just as Jay turned on the bathroom light. They had scared Jack so badly, he literally flew backwards off his feet and landed on his butt. The look on his face was of pure terror... then fury. "YOU SCARED ME TO DEAF!!!YOU SCARED ME TO DEAF!!!" he shouted at Megan and Jay. Then the fury turned to tears as he jumped into my arms. His heart was pounding out of his chest and he buried his face into my chest as he cried, "You scared me to deaf."

I felt so bad for him but I couldn't get the vision of him flying backwards out of my head and couldn't stop giggling. I figured it was okay though, he couldn't hear me laughing since we "scared him to deaf."

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Mealtime manners

I love being a fly on the wall to my kid's conversations. I like to hear their perspective on things. In this case, a life lesson if-you-will about etiquette while dining.

Jack: "M" at school is mean.
Megan: Why?
Jack: He eats stuff off people's plates during lunch.
Megan: Huh???
Jack: He does. Really- he eats food off my plate and other people's plates. It's not nice.
Megan: Why would your friend do that?
Jack: FRIEND?!?!? Why would you even ask that?!? He is not my friend. I would NEVER be friends with someone like that!

Note to self: Don't eat food off Jack's plate.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Fuzziness

I don't remember much about Christmas 2000. I should. It should have been a joyous Christmas; one full of hope as we awaited the birth of our daughter. But joyous isn't a descriptor I would use for that holiday in that particular year. Fuzzy is the word that comes to mind. Then, and for many years after that, I took comfort in the fuzziness. The fuzziness helped me get through the days, the weeks, the years. But as the years progress, I struggle to push the fuzziness away, to seek clarity. To remember.

One of my few memories from that Christmas is sitting around my dining room table. In hindsight, when I think about that dinner, it reminds me of the scene from A Christmas Carol when Scrooge sees the foreshadowing of the death of Tiny Tim with the empty seat at the table; the crutches in the corner. There was an empty seat at our table that day. A seat where my mother should have been sitting. She died only two months earlier. We sat at that dinner table, me with my husband, my brother and his wife, and my dad and the empty chair next to him where his wife should have been sitting. On some level, I knew I would be there, in that moment- motherless. Over a year earlier when she was diagnosed with cancer, I immersed myself for days in research on the Internet. My future was right there for me to see in black and white...

...More people die from lung cancer than any other type of cancer. It has surpassed breast cancer as the leading category of cancer death in women...

...Overall, fewer than 10% of people with lung cancer are alive 5 years after diagnosis...

...lung cancer diagnosis at Stage 4 life expectancy is about 8 months or less than 1 year...

She.was.going.to.die. I think we all knew it although we never uttered it to each other. And we certainly didn't utter it to her, nor her to us. But that Christmas we all sat there, stunted emotionally in our grief, trying as best as we could to enjoy the holiday. Mostly, I remember the awkwardness. My dad had suggested that we try to put our grief on a shelf for the day, so we could enjoy the holiday. So that is what we attempted to do. But I couldn't help but put myself in my dad's shoes. I kept finding myself eyeing him thinking, What if it was me, sitting there, husband-less?

The only Christmas gift given or received that year that I remember was the ornament. In an attempt to provide us with a memento, my dad gave us Christmas ornaments with her picture in them. I'm sure on some level for him those ornaments were cathartic. I could picture him remembering her, browsing the aisles for the "right" ornament, sifting through all the photos of her picking the "right" one. I remember looking at it and thinking to myself, No. I can't do this now. I can't feel this now. We are supposed to be putting our emotions on the shelf for today. So after barely glancing at the ornament, I shoved it back in its box and I emotionally shut myself down and refused to internalize the meaning of the ornament. Every year since, I open that ornament and hang it on my tree and I'm back there, in that moment- that awkward moment.

When my mother was alive, she was the glue that held our family together. She was the person who, on occasion, diffused conflict among the volatile personalities within our family. She was the communication link for our family. Everything flowed through her and with her. That day we tried unsuccessfully to make the conversation easy but in my mind, it was like trying to shake a person's hand after someone had just ripped your arm off. There was nothing there to make that connection with each other. It was false and it was hard and it was raw and that day we all pretended everything was fine and it just...wasn't.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Obama Rolls

To say that Megan likes Barack Obama might be a bit of an understatement. After the election, Megan consumed massive amounts of media related to Mr. Obama- 20/20 interviews on television, magazine articles in US Weekly, etc. She even made a collage that she keeps in her room.

The first time she showed me her collage, I had two thoughts:
1) Oh, how cute is that? She's showing an interest in current events.
2) I wonder if she will make posters like this of her love interests someday? Gosh I hope not because it would be kind of "stalker-ish".

Today, Megan saw a guy walking down the street with an Obama shirt on. I must say it was unlike any other Obama shirt that I've seen before. It only had Obama's face on it and the size of his face took up the entire front of the shirt. "OOOh!" Megan shouted. "Look at that guy's shirt. He has a Barack Obama shirt on. I totally want one of those shirts."

"Which shirt?" Jack asked. "A shirt with Obama on it?"

"Yes. I want an Obama shirt." Megan reiterated.

"You want an Obama shirt that says 'Obama rolls'?" Jack asked her.

"Huh? Obama rolls?"

Megan didn't quite understand what Jack was asking her so I jumped in to clarify. "Jack, I think you mean a shirt that says 'Obama rules', not 'Obama rolls'."

"Oh, yeah. 'Obama rules'. That is what I meant." Jack confirmed.

Megan looked wistfully out the window at the shirt she desired and said breathlessly, "Oh yes. Obama rules."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

And he even had some interesting stuff to say in 2008

I don't quote Jay too much on this blog but as I looked over my Twitter entries for the year, I noticed that in addition to the funny things my kids said, Jay had his fair share of quotable moments, too.

One of Jay's most endearing qualities is his sense of humor. As of this year, I've officially known Jay for over half my life. He's always made me laugh- no matter what the circumstances he's always been able to make me laugh that deep, belly laugh that brings tears to your eyes. And I like him a lot, too which after all this time says something important, I think. Sometimes I think it's weird to say that you *like* your husband but I think it is important to feel that way. I don't really tell him as much as I should how I appreciate him. I mean, I'm sure he knows, but I'm not all verbose about it. (Note to self: Make that one of my New Year's resolutions.)

Anyway, here are a few of Jay's funnies.

Jay:"There's nothing like being in the car for Thanksgiving listening to some inappropriate, sexually explicit hip-hop."

Jay: What did you say? Me: I didn't say anything. Jay: Well next time you say nothing, say it a little louder.

I think Jay forgot I was here. He's watching House Hunters and when the guy chose house # two, Jay pumped his fist and said, "Yessss!"

Jay: A 5 dog eat off... this could be the greatest moment in all of sports. The bottom line is they both pushed each other to be the best hot dog eater they could be. It's literally bite for bite. (In reference to the annual Nathan's hot dog eating contest)

Jay: Our kids are chicken. Me: No they are just cautious. Jay: Chicken.

Jay: I met the new neighbor tonight. Me: Yeah? What's his name? Jay: Um, I'm gonna go with Dave...or Dan.

Jay claims Megan's lack of hand-eye coordination is due to my genes. I reminded him I was a gymnast. Jay: "Yeah but can you hit a ball?"

Jay just came home from Sam's Club with a Hawaiian shirt. According to him, he's "dipping his toe in the Tommy Bahama pool."

Jay: Some of the times I have been most scared have involved raccoons.

Jay to Jack: "If you lick me, I'm not taking you to the attic!"

Jay: I like to hang out in the morning and hear what's going on but I don't really like speaking... or being spoken to.

Jay: "I really need to get into the texting thing. I feel like everyone is riding in their cars and I'm still walking."

Told Jay about my bumpy flight. He said "I like flying with a bit of inclement weather. It makes me think the pilots are on their A game."

Jay referring to me typing away in Instant Messaging: "I think your fingers might start a fire over there."

Jay to Jack: "I can tell you are male because you noticed the garbage can was full." (In reference to me always letting garbage can overflow.)

Jay: "I mean, I like Tiger Woods as much as the next... well, maybe not as much as the next guy. But I like Tiger Woods a lot."

Jack: How long is church? Me: Not long. Megan: Long! Jay: Longer than you want buddy. Listen to me and Megan. We won't lie to you.

I asked Jay about an email chain going around. He said, "I gave it my best shot to figure out why I should care but now I just delete them."

Jay: "I spent the last 15 minutes describing the characters of the A-Team to my class." Me: "Huh? In what context?" He's a business teacher.

Jay to Megan:"What size shoe do you wear?" Megan:"13" Jay:"Wow you could paddle with those."

Jay: Is Desperate Housewives still on? What was the mystery? Me: Well, the one lady... Jay: Sorry- actually, I don't really even care.

Husband is doing "stretches" for his back and hamstring while watching the golf channel. Him: "It's so good of a stretch". Me: "I'm still here, ......

The world (in 2008) according to Megan


Megan also had her fair share of doozies in 2008. Here are some of my favorites.

Looking at yearbook with Megan. Me: "Look at that kids picture! Can you say Re-Do?" Megan: "Stop it Mom. I think he's in Special Ed." Oops

Me to Megan-"Miss America is on tonight." Megan: "What's that?" Me:"A beauty contest." Megan: "That's weird."

Jay and Megan are playing Yahtzee. She actually just yelled, "IN YOUR FACE!" Who is this child???

Megan to Jack after she wiped out and got a Hannah Montana band aid: "I'll bet you wish you were bleeding!"

Megan: Can I invite my friend over so we can cut some fruit in half? Me: Huh? Megan: Well, so we can observe it, you know- the seeds n stuff

Driving in the car and Jack was looking in Megan's direction babbling about Backyardigans. Megan said, "Jack! WHO are you talking TO??"

Eating frozen yogurt and I told Megan to hurry up. Hey response: Hey relax! I'm almost finished.

Megan's making toast- Me: It might burn if you walk away. Meg: (watching the toast) This is boring.

Megan: First we played Capture the Flag, then Refrigerator tag, then SPUD then we just started chasing people! I guess anything can be fun.

Megan: Mom, how do you spell evil? Me: E-V-I-L Megan: Thanks. Me: Whoa, wait... why do you need to know that? Megan: I'm making a movie.

Told Megan she was sooo high maintenance & I felt sorry for her husband. Megan: Well, I'm too young to get married and I don't have a husband.

Megan just walked by me dragging a huge chair. When I looked up from my computer, she said, "Don't even ask..."

Me: Megan, why don't you like kisses? Megan: Which kind? Giving or receiving? Me: Either. Megan: Because kisses are slimy.

Jay: Jack said he wanted Red Robin for dinner. Megan: No he said (air quotes) The Red Robins.

Megan: Mom, why do you need lipstick at a time like this???

Me: I'm trying to get feedback on that. Megan: What's feedback? Me: When people tell you what they think. Meg: I don't wanna know about it.

Megan after looking at my writing: First of all, never be a teacher because I can't read your writing and I can read most writing.

Meg: Love the fish, hug and kiss the fish.. Jay: Kissing fish isn't part of being a chef. Megan: Yes it is. You need to love your ingredients.

Megan: I know why that guy has a boat with only two seats. He probably like has a girlfriend or something.

Megan eating Quaker Caramel Rice Cakes: "I pretty much like any food with that Quaker guy on there."

Megan: Girls and Boys have different eyes. Me: How so? Because of the make up? Megan: Nope. Girls eyes are just more...um...sparkly.

Meg: What's Blue Moon? Me: It's a brewery. Do you know what a brewery is? Meg: Yeah, it's a place that makes beer. I watch TV you know.

Megan: Mom if you were going to be in the Olympics, what would you do? Me: Gymnastics. Megan: NO! Something you can *actually* DO!

Meg: Mom, this kid at school said something weird. He said, "It's up your butt and around the corner." I think he was talking about my poop.

Megan: See this boy here (points at a kid in her yearbook)? He goes to one of those "smarticle" schools.

Megan: I feel the wind in my hair, the light on my face, and the carrot in my mouth.

After Megan let one rip this morning, she informed me, "I did NOT eat a taco!"

Me: You know what time it is? Megan: Time to wax my butt? Me: No, I meant bedtime.

Megan: Sometimes I feel bad that we aren't Japanese. Me: Why? Megan: Because they have respect and take their shoes off inside. Me: Huh?

Made the mistake of asking Megan what she wanted for lunch. She turned and yelled, "I'm NEVER EATING WHEAT BREAD AGAIN-EVER!" Alrighty then.

Megan to her friend, "Did you watch 60 minutes with Obama last night? I did and I read this article about him. I like Obama." Uh...she's 7

Megan: Mom, if you don't want to get me presents for Christmas, I also accept gift cards... And money

Me to kids: What are you thankful for? Jack: Um, I'm thankful for you, Daddy, Megan and all the things of the world. ...pause...Megan: Uh, Pumpkin Pie.

Meg: Can I have a cookie or two? Me: You can have a cookie. Meg: Did you say cookie or cookie plural as in two? Me:Did you just say plural?

Megan shut the car door on Jack's face this morning. Me: Megan!!! Megan: What? Don't yell at me! He put his face there! It's not my fault.

The world (in 2008) according to Jack

I have a confession to make. I'm a Twitterer. I find it to be a handy little tool for keeping up with co-workers, voyeuristically glimpsing into other people's lives and hunting down people (lilsass knows what I'm talking about!). But most of all, I use it as a way to capture interesting or funny things my family says. Sometimes those entries turn into a blog post but sometimes they just are what they are- a snippet in time of something I found funny.

So as we round out 2008, I wanted to capture my favorite "Tweets" (I know, I sound super geeky using word like "tweets".) from Jack. Here they are in no particular order.


Jack- " I like Backyardigans. They are animals that are standing up with clothes!"

Jack: I want to go to Toys R S. Jay: It's Toys R Us. Jack: Toys R S? Me: Toys R Us. Jack: Toys R Us? I like Toys R S better.

Jack: "is Twerp a bad word?" Me: "It's not a nice word, where did you hear it?" Jack: "From the talking bug in our yard."

Me: "Jack, you are one of the happiest kids I know." Jack: "That's because I like just about everything...except girl stuff."

Jack: "We aren't friends anymore. He got jealous about me. He says potty words & said my head was shaped like poop & called me poophead."

After I told Jack that I was in Texas he asked, "Isn't that where all the cowboys live?"

Jack as he rides by on his scooter: "Momma did you know survive means to last until you get killed?" Hmmm..

Jack told me yesterday he doesn't like raspberries because "they are too hairy".

Jack was counting this morning and paused to tell me, "Zero is the first number when you don't say anything."

Jack: "These are yummy! There is a party in my tummy."

Jack: "That thing was at the bottom. Daddy, I didn't mean the potty word bottom...I meant the good word bottom."

Jack: "Daddy you can never go where there is instruction...it's DANGEROUS!" (he meant construction, not instruction)

Jack: Daddy, guess what- Bampa wastes money on tools. He wasted a lot of it. I'm serious. Jay: He doesn't waste it, he spends it.

Jack: If you have 2 eyes you can see a bunch of things at a time.

Jack: Sometimes I pee sitting down because my feet are tired.

Jack said he was cold when I put him to bed so I gave him another blanket. He asked if humans hibernate with blankets.

Jack: Do girls have moustaches? Me: Sometimes but they get rid of the hair if they do. Jack: How? Me: They pull the hairs out. Jack: WHAT?!?

Jack: Did you know earth worms have zero gravity?

Jack: if someone tries to steal your kid, you should just say "operation laugh time" and tickle them in the armpit. Me: yeah, that'll work!

Jack: If you are super scared, that is called frightened. Like if you are reading a book and someone pops up behind you, that's scary.

Jack: When are you going to be done on the computer? Megan: When I feel like I'm done. Jack: When are you going to be done? Meg: When I feel like I'm done. Jack: When are you going to be done? Megan: When I feel like I'm done. Jack: When are you going to be done? Megan: WHEN I FEEL LIKE I AM DONE!. Jack: Yelling in the house? That's only appropriate for outside!

Me: Jack what are you doing? Jack: Going upstairs to do nothing.

Jack: Can I touch your belly button? Me: No Jack: My belly button's not private. You can stick your finger in it. You want to? Me: No thanks

In the basement b/c of tornado warning. TV announcement on and Jack says, "Doesn't the TV know we are in our basement already???"

Jack: Momma, I hear lots of crickets tonight. You know, when crickets get together at night, they get in a group and they...crick.

Add this to the list of things I never thought I would hear from a 4 year old- "why can't I bring my numchucks to school???"

Jack was tired and acting a bit naughty. I asked him what was happening and he said, "When I am tired my brain doesn't work right."

Jack to his dad: Daddy, you are so lucky to have a boy that is such a great helper!

Jack: I don't think I should go to school today because I'm not even hungry.

Jack: We should have something warm for dinner so we can hiver-nate. (he meant hibernate)

Jack is 5 and just asked me, "Do you think Comcast is better in HD?" Who is this kid???

Jack on the way to his B day party- "this is the greatest day of my life... I have a lot of greatest days of my life."

Jack: Can Michael Phelps swim under water? Me: Yeah, he's like a fish. Jack: I'm more like an alligator

Reminder that life can be simple- Jack:When I get older you can buy me a thermos, right? Me: Yes. Jack:Yippee then you can make me noodles!

Jack: "when I grow up and become bigger, then I turn into an old man and get smaller." He's getting it figured out.

Jack: Mommy, you want to snuggle? Me: sure! Jack: Well get your entire body over here then!

Jack: Gonzo (from the Muppets) is a woodpecker but his pecker got bended.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

What does this smell like to you?

Tonight while I was washing the dinner dishes, Jack came wandering into the kitchen. "Hey Megan," he called. "Come here." Megan came around the corner and asked him what he wanted. I was only half paying attention over the sound of the running water and the clattering of the dishes. When he said, "just come here" and started following her around the kitchen, I started to wonder what he was going to do.

"Megan, come here. I'm serious. I want to show you something." he said and started to back her into a corner.

"What Jack? What??"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him get really close to her and then he shoved his finger under her nose as if he was going to stop her from sneezing.

"EEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!" Megan screeched.

It was then that I remembered where Jack was before he started stalking Megan. About 15 minutes earlier, he ran upstairs to go to the bathroom. I turned off the water and turned my attention to Jack.

"Jack, what are you doing?" I asked.

"Uh, nothing."

"Why are you making Megan smell your finger?"

"I dunno."

"Jack, did you wash your hands after you just went to the bathroom?"

"Uh, no."

"Did you go poop when you went to the bathroom???"

“Uh huh.”

“You have poop on your hand don’t you?”

“Uh huh.”

“EEEWWW!” Megan cried again. Then she ran to the bathroom to wash her face off.

“Jackson!!! That is DISGUSTING! You don’t EVER do that. That is so gross!” I yelled. “Now you go wash your hands and apologize to your sister.“

And as Jack sat on the steps for his time out, I turned my attention back to the dishes and once my back was turned… I laughed my ass off.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

It's kind of like multi-tasking but not exactly

One of Jack's friends at school celebrated his birthday and gave everyone in the class a goodie bag. The teachers seal all the goodie bags so the kids don't open the bag and start pulling everything out. This meant Jack's goodie bag was sealed tight when I picked him up from school. "Can you open it for me?" he asked. "Not yet, Jack. Let's wait until we get home." I told him. But the allure of the goodie bag was just too great. Jack could not...would not...did not want to wait until we got home to open the goodie bag.

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have a problem ripping into a goodie bag while I was driving. However, on this particular day, we were in the midst of our first big snow storm in the Chicagoland area and I needed to focus. It takes about 3-4 good snowstorms before I get myself back on autopilot while driving in the snow and I just wasn't there, yet. Jack was determined to change my mind.

Jack: Please Momma. Can't you open it now?
Me: Not now Jack.
Jack: Why not now?
Me: Because I'm trying to drive the car in the snow and I can't open the bag at the same time that I'm driving.
Megan (the voice of reason): You mean you are multi-tasking right Mom? You shouldn't be multi-tasking, right?
Me: Yes, that is right.
Jack: What is multi-tasking?
Me: Well, it's when you do more than one thing at the same time.
Jack: Oh.
Me: Like reading and watching TV at the same time is multi-tasking.
Jack: Oh.
Megan: Or like one example would be drinking and driving. That would be multi-tasking.
Me: Uh...well, maybe that's not the best example...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Oops, I did it again

***Post title in honor of Britney Spears for a number of reasons: 1) Her birthday is today (I feel like such a loser that I know that fact) 2) Her big "comeback" CD is out today (Again,I feel like such a loser that I know that fact) and 3) Her MTV documentary from the other day made me feel so bad for her. She was like a lost little puppy; it made me want to put her in my pocket and take her home with me.

Anyhoo,

I definitely have moments where I lack the appropriate parenting judgement. Sometimes I can't control what spews from my mouth when I get angry. I'm not just talking about any type of angry. I'm talking about the protective lioness type anger when someone messes with my kids. And my wrath have no boundaries. I'll verbally lash out about anyone regardless of age. (Notice I wrote "lash out *about*" and not "lash out *at*" because really I'm a big confrontation chicken. In that respect, I'm not a model parent by any stretch.

A while back, Megan had a couple run-ins with a bully of sorts. It was fairly innocent in retrospect but at the time, I got angry and had diarrhea of the mouth and gave Megan some, uh...advice on what she should/could say.

Well, it's happened again. Last night Megan started to relay a story to me about a few girls in her class that have been giving her a little trouble. I'll refer to these girls going forward as the Mini-Heathers.

It took some coaxing but Megan finally let me know what happened. Essentially, she went to the bathroom and a couple of Mini-Heathers were in there. Heather #1 made a comment to Megan, Megan told her she was being rude and mean and went into the stall, Heather #2 mocked what Megan said and then Heather #1 kicked the door Megan's stall.

My reaction... Oh HELLS NO! I could feel my blood starting to boil as I grilled Megan for more details. "What exactly did she say to you? Why did she say that? What did you say? What happened next?" And then I felt it coming but I couldn't stop it...

"Well,"I said feigning calmness. I felt it bubbling up- something inappropriate. "Maybe next time they say or do something mean to you, you could oh, I don't know... maybe tell Heather #1 that she should comb her hair more often because it looks like a rats nest on the top of her head...Oh, and then maybe you could tell Heather #2 that she could stop crying every.single.time her mom drops her off at school any day now."

As soon as I said it, I knew I should take it back and one look at Megan's eyes bugging out of her head confirmed my suspicions that I went too far. "Mom! That's just mean!"

"I know! I know...you know I was just joking right? Right??? You really shouldn't say that. It's not appropriate."

A sigh and an eye roll from Megan, coupled with a "Yes Mom... I know!" and my what-not-to-do-as-a-parent moment was complete.

...and scene.