Monday, December 28, 2009

2009 in review- Jack edition

In keeping with the annual review, here are what I consider to be the "best of" Jack's comments from 2009. I had a hard time choosing which to highlight but three things are apparent,
1) This kid is hilarious (but might be watching too much TV).
2) He loves his Momma!!!
3) He's obsessed with babies.

Jack: Why don't girls have a penis? Me: Because girls have
vaginas. Jack: What's an Angina?

Jack:Why does the cleaning lady talk weird? Me: It's not weird,
she has an accent. Jack: She had an accident?? Me: No, an accent.

During wrestling, Megan tossed Jack and he fell into Grandma.
Jack: Megan! No falling into old people!

Jack (frustrated with his Nintendo DS): I can't do this. It won't
work! Megan: So you are going to cry about it? Jack: NO! WRONG GUESS!!!

Jack showing me a raisin: Is this how tiny babies are to start?
Me: Yup. Jack eating the raisin: Look Mom, I just ate your baby!

Jack: I think I am having a baby. I feel something moving. Meg:
Boys don't have babies. Jack: Maybe it's a tapeworm.

Jack: God made us all different so when like, kids are on a bus
the parents won't pick up the wrong kid.

Jack: When you die, will you and Dad die together? Me:Probably not.
Jack: Who'll die first? Me: I don't know. Jack: I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Me: Uh...

The world according to Jack: "Bathrooms are private and no one
can bust you there for pulling down your pants."

Jack at the animal park: "I am tired of looking at birds. I want
to see something that eats birds."

Megan to Jack: How long were you crying about it? Jack: I don't
know...I can't tell time, yet!

Jack(processing his aunt's pregnancy):When the baby is hungry, it
swims up to the boobs for food. Me: Uh, not exactly...

Jack: Mom, did you know a beautiful girl is a baby? Me: Uh, you
mean a "babe"? Jack: Oh, yeah...that's what I meaned.

Jay refering to his dry skin: I need to lube up. Jack: What's a
loo butt?

Watching the kids play in the cul-de-sac. Jack just tripped and
fell and started yelling, "Man down! Man down!"

Me: Jack I think I need to give you a zerbert. Jack: No!!! I
don't like perverts!

Megan: Yahoo and Yoohoo are basically the same.
Jack: No, Yoohoo means hello and Yahoo is what cowboys say when they ride.

Jack called me to the top of the stairs & weepily said,"I've been
keeping a secret from you for a very long time...I'm afraid of the dark."

Jack quote of the day: It's not nice to call someone fat but you
can say they have a glandular problem, right?

Jack: I know how you get a baby. Me:Really? How? Jack:When you really
want one,you say with all your parts you want a baby & God hears you & gives you one.

Jack: Johnny Test is educational...Did you know there are more
dust mites in a little boy's room than all the people on the planet?

Jack this morning: Mom, can you scratch my butt? Me: Uh, ok.
Jack: Can you scratch up in the crack where it's itchiest? Me: No way!

Jack: You know what I'll say at people's parties?
Mama Mia! That's a good sandwich!

Jack about his first day of kindergarten: "If someone in my class
has a mullet,I won't say they have a bad haircut because that would be

Jack just came over to snuggle and told me to "shake my lady
lumps". I think I need to ban him from the Black Eyed Peas.

Random thoughts by Jack, "I sometimes wish my underwear had

Me: This room is a disaster, you need to clean it up. Jack: I can
do that in a jiffy of a time!

This morning... Me: Bye Jack. Have a good day at school. Jack:
Bye Mom! You have a good day at work (pause,pause). Don't get fired! Me:

Putting Jack to bed- Jack:Mommy,you know why I love you the
most?Me:Why? Jack: Because when I was borned, you were the first person I

Jack asked me which Bakugan I like. Me:The one with the small
head. Jack:You shouldn't pick on how they look,you should pick on

Upon seeing his Bampa, Jack shoved his hand down the back of
Bampa's pants.Bampa: What are you doing??Jack: I'm trying to give you a

Jack showed me a plastic spider this morning and told me, "But
this one only has climbing instincts. It doesn't shoot webs or anything."

After getting our new dog...Me: So what do you think of George?
Jack: I like him. I think me and him will be best pals!

Took dog out to pee and I looked over to see Jack peeing on a
tree. When I asked him what he was doing he responded, "That's what guys

Megan ignored a question from Jack. Jay: Megan why did you ignore Jack?
Jack:Because that's what big sisters do. They ignore their little brothers.

Jack just looked at me and asked, "Did you make me barf on a
plate last night?" (For the record, it was a bowl...)

Deep thoughts by Jack. Me: What are you thinking about Jack? You
look like you are deep in thought. Jack: (pause...pause...) A sandwich.

Jack after watching James Bond:The inappropriate part was when
James Bond kissed the girl and then she started stripping down.Is that

Watched Home Alone w/ the kids.When a burglar gets nailed in the
face w/ a hot iron,Jack turned to us and said,"That's gonna leave a mark!"

Listening to the song Halo in the car w/ Jack. Jack:What's a
Halo? Me:It's a... Jack(interrupting me):Is it another word for your

Jack as he watched his dog uh..."Clean himself": Look at George
clean himself! He must think he tastes good!

Jack just told me he thinks his privates look like a Hersey's
Kiss. I don't even know what to say to that.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

2009 in review- Megan edition

I use Twitter to capture quickly some of the funny or interesting things Megan and Jack say. Here are some of my favorites from Megan in 2009. In reading through her comments from 2009, three things things became apparent.
1)She's an 18 year-old, trapped in an 8 year-old's body.
2)She has a freakish sense of smell.
3) She has specific opinions about certain countries, states, or sets of people.

Jay: Why don't you wear headbands? Meg: They are for kids. Jay:
Your mom wears them. Meg: Yeah, but she's old, old.

Argument of the day-Meg: when will I be 5 ft tall? Me: uh,
probably Jr. High. Meg(crying): U R mean! Me: huh? Meg: U R calling me

Megan shut the car door on Jack's face this morning. Me: Megan!!!
Megan: What? Don't yell at me! He put his face there! It's not my fault.

Meg: can I have a cookie or two? Me: you can have a cookie. Meg:
did you say cookie or cookie plural as in two? Me:did you just say plural?

Megan: I wish I lived in Tibet. Me: Why? Megan: Because it is a
peaceful nation...(pause)..too bad they don't kill animals to eat there.

Megan touching hood of my coat: ewww. Me: It's faux fur. Megan:
what do you mean it's gopher?!?

Feeling sorry for Megan's future husband. "I don't like those
crier guys. The guys who cry are creepy."

Megan just told us she thinks Yoda is "hot". I'm thinking we
should be concerned.

Pathetic person alert: When Tatiana was kicked off American Idol,
I jumped up, screamed YES!! and tried to high 5 Megan who left me hanging.

Made the mistake of asking Megan how her lunch was yesterday.
She got weepy and told me the bagel was "disgusting" and "un-eatable".

Megan might be 30 but trapped in a 7 YO body.I asked how the
party was she went to and she responded, "It was a party I won't soon

Upon hearing me attempt to sing along to the radio with hoarse
voice, Megan told me I "sound like a dying seal."

Megan: Do you know what a skort is? Me: Yeah. Megan: It's like a
mullet for your butt.

Meg to Jay:Look at the dress Mom bought. Can you picture her in
this? Jay: Yes I can. Meg: Do you like the picture you see?!?

Humbling moment after making breakfast-Me: Who's the best mom in
the world? Jack: YOU ARE!!! Megan: To be honest, I really don't know.

Megan (about Jack): Now that is one of the weirdest
outfits...Hey, I'm just speakin' the truth!

Megan: "This will be my favorite long as no one
ends up dying." Me: "Uh, what?!?"

Megan: I don't like my underwear.Jay: Sounds like a personal
problem. Megan: Hey, I'm just throwing it out there.

Discussing some random guy's creepy hat. Megan
sings to the Ricola commercial tune: Freeeeeak-ola.

Jack in the car: Can I unbuckle my seat belt? Jay:No. Jack: But
Mommy did it...Megan:Yes, Jack but Mommy's okay with dying.

Megan's observation of the morning, "You smell like coffee and
Grandma's pull out couch."

Meg:What if you had 1 hour and 2 halves? Me: You mean 2 hours? Meg:
No. 1 hour and 2 halves. Me:2 halves equal 1. Meg: Oh, just leave it

Megan: Mom, you know that soup I like with the double noodles and
chicken? Me: Uh huh... Megan: That is what your shirt smells like. Me:???

Kids watching recording of Australian Wipeout. Megan: Those
Australians are weird!! They wear such short shorts!

Megan: I think that person likes church. Me: Why? Megan: Because
they have a huge picture of Jesus in their car. (And they did...)

Apologies to all you Wisconsin folks...Jay: We're in Wisconsin.
Megan: You can tell by the way it smells. Jay: Cheesy? Megan: No. Dirty.

Love listening to kids.Jack:Did U know Fairy World is in
space?Megan:Uh yeah!Fairy WORLD is *obviously* a different world so it's in

Megan upon seeing a dog in church at her reconciliation: Maybe
the dog is here for reconciliation. Maybe he pooed on the carpet.

Listening to Kris Allen's song "Live like were dying". Megan: So
I guess that means you'd sit around on your couch and watch TV then?

Jack explaining blow-by-blow details of lost toy. Megan's
response, "Save your breath.We get it.It's lost." Miss Sensitive strikes

Megan after looking at price tag w/ US & Canada pricing: I feel so bad for Canadians. Everything there is way more expensive!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

All Jack wants for Christmas is a guitar...and some endurance.

Here is Jack rocking out to some Jingle Bells. I know it appears he may be suffering from a severe form of eczema on his chest but that's really just his version of an air guitar.

I also think I might need to add a bit more exercise to his daily activities seeing as he can't make it more than 26 seconds before he's exhausted.

Friday, November 6, 2009

An oldie but a goodie...

Aiming Low is spreading the love with their Three Day Weekend which features stories submitted by bloggers. Mine is posted today. It's an oldie but a goodie from my archives.

Oh, and Jack came down this morning with this piece of wisdom:

"Uh, Mom, did you know in Fall... they usually show lots of Charlie Brown movies on TV."


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Halloween Revisited

It's official. Megan inherited my (and Jay's) I-Hate-Halloween gene. In hindsight, I should have known. There were those few years that I spent $75 or more on a costume, just to have Megan decide at the last minute she wanted to be something else. Then there was her hesitance to attend a birthday party where kids dressed up in Halloween costumes. Even as early as 2 years old, she was at a party at Gymboree and when Jimbo the Clown came out, Megan started screaming. As I said, the signs were there.

Last year, it surfaced hard core when she refused to wear a costume in the school parade. But even then, she rallied and participated in trick-or-treating.

This year, Megan cut the final ties. I thought I was being fiscally smart this year- I bought a $7 sheet, cut holes in it and Megan agreed to go as a ghost. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. At 8 years old, she has fully cut ties with Halloween. First, there was the melt down on the eve of the school parade. She didn't want to do it. When she came downstairs the morning of the parade all weepy, I relented. It's just a silly parade, I thought to myself and emailed her teacher asking to keep her out of the parade. Then, on Halloween, we were getting ready to go trick-or-treating and Megan decided she didn't want to do it. Even if it meant she wouldn't get any of the candy goodies that most other children her age craved. This, to me, was the final straw. This child hates this holiday so much, she will even forgo all candy!!!! So she walked along with us, costume-less watching all the kids in their costumes run like total lunatics from door to door- and she couldn't have cared less. Even when kids asked her incredulously, "You mean you aren't wearing a costume??? You aren't going to go trick-or-treating???" she just shrugged her shoulders.

And I must say, I love that she's an individual, that she doesn't care, that she'll stick to what she believes-even if it goes against the grain. And there's another part of me (as a Halloween hater myself) that is secretly pleased that she doesn't like this holiday, either.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Ever been to Jubie?

So it comes down to sending myself emails with cryptic notes in an effort to remind myself to blog. And when I do get around to it, I am on a train typing it from my blackberry with one thumb.

At any rate, lying in bed with Jack the other night, he asked,"Have you been to Jubie?"

Me: Jubie?
Jack: You know, where bad kids go.
Me: Oh, you mean Juvie-like Juvenile detention.
Jack: Yeah, have you been there?
Me: No, but when I was younger I got grounded a few times.
Jack: How many times?
Me: Hmmm, maybe 10 times.
Jack:That means you must have been a baaaad kid!
Me:(Laughing) Where did you hear about "Jubie"?
Jack: I got that from cartoons. (Pause)You want me to watch more cartoons so I can have more funny lines?

Friday, September 18, 2009

It must be a guy thing.

This morning, as per usual, Jack was sitting on the couch in his underwear watching cartoons.

Jack: Mommy, can you come and snuggle with me on the couch?
Me: Sure, let's get you dressed and then we can snuggle.
Jack: No! I don't want to get dressed first. I like to snuggle without my clothes on.
Me: Ok, I'll sit with you for a moment but then we need to get you dressed.
Jack: I just like to snuggle with no clothes on. It feels so much better to snuggle with no clothes.

Why does this line of thinking sound so familiar??? Hmmm....

Monday, September 14, 2009

One of my most vivid memories is of the first time I heard my mother swear. I was probably 9 or so and she was on the phone with a friend. She stood in front of the microwave chatting away and happened to drop her chili dog on the ground. "SHIT!"

I gasped loudly and remember being shocked. It was my first indication that I recall of her being human and not angelic.

Almost 30 years later, with a daughter of my own, I've had my moment...

Megan: Mom, why can't I say (whispering)...crap?
Me: Because it's not a nice thing to say and you can think of something smarter to say.
Megan: But you say it.
Me (lying through my teeth): I do not!
Megan: Yes you do. I read it on a text message you sent Daddy.
Megan: So why did you say you don't say it when you do?
Me: Uh, well...uh... Because parents are supposed to lie to you about that stuff.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

It doesn't get much more disgusting than this

Jack and I have a ritual of sorts. Every night, we head upstairs, brush teeth, go to the bathroom, I tuck him in, snuggle with him for just a minute, and I head downstairs. I settle in to watch TV and then wait...because I know sometime between 1-10 minutes later, I'll hear his door open, hear the pitter-patter of his little feet, hear nothing for a moment or two, and then this- "Mom? Can you come wipe my bottom??"

It is then that I head up the stairs to do my motherly duty. And I must say, he makes it easy for me. He waits patiently for me to appear and he's usually in a stance that most Yoga enthusiasts refer to as The Downward Dog.

Last night was a bit different. Instead of yelling for me to wipe his bottom, he yelled, "I've got diarrhea!!!"

I reluctantly headed upstairs to find him still sitting on the toilet, holding his hand out to me. When he saw me he said, "I know I have diarrhea because when I touched my bottom, it felt like chocolate pudding."

Sunday, August 23, 2009

And so it begins...another school year.

Big happenings around here. Jack started Kindergarten and I really can't believe Megan is in 3rd grade already.

I was anxious for Jack's first day on the bus and was hoping it wouldn't end up like Megan's .

I was really hoping that Megan would show Jack the ropes but in her excitement, she left the poor guy in the dust. He climbed on to the bus with his huge backpack, and gave me a final wave while I choked back the tears. I watched him slowly walk down the aisle of the bus and I silently urged him on, Sit down buddy...just find a seat and sit down.... Then I saw the bus driver pick up his microphone and call out for Jack to take a seat. heartstrings were aching and Jack finally took a seat and the bus pulled away.

But I must say, as much as things change, on some level, they seem to stay the same.

Megan still humbles me. The first morning she came downstairs and she was dressed and ready to go. I hugged her for a moment and then she looked up at me and declared, "You smell like coffee and Grandma's pull out couch." Uh... thanks????

Jack still needs me. This morning he came around my side of the bed, set his new Bionicle next to me and said, "Mommy, I was picking my ear and got earwax all over my hands...and all over my Bionicle. Can you help me clean it?" Uh...gross????

Thursday, August 13, 2009

All time most uncomfortable eyebrow wax. Ever.

Yup, that happened to me the other day. I don't know about you but an eyebrow wax should be relatively low on the social awkwardness scale- but alas, not for me.

As I lay on the table, the lady made a few attempts at small talk.
Her:Do you live around here?
Me:Yes. Just a few miles from here.
Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: Yes, two they are 5 and 8.
Her:Do you wax anywhere else?
Me: Excuse me?
Her: You know...bikini?
Me: Um, Just the eyebrows for now.
Her:Some people try to do it at home, you know?
Me: Mmm hmm
Her:I have one client who is an emergency room doctor and she told me the other day about this couple that came to her emergency room.
Me: Uh huh...
Her: The husband apparently tried to wax his wife...practically tore her labia right off.
Me: ...

Um, yeah- true story. W-T-F???

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Momma lurves the Nintendo DS

A little quiz... Q: What could possibly cause two kids who normally bicker to drive in total silence for almost two whole hours? A: Nintendo DS.

The Nintendo DS is my best friend today. I drove back from Jay's hometown with the kids in our car that does not have the DVD player. I made sure both Nintendo DS were fully charged and we were on our way.

It was almost as if I was alone in the car- quite blissful if I do say so myself-not a peep out of the kids for about two hours until Jack broke the silence with this...

Jack: Mom, can I tell you something?
Me: Sure.
Jack: Um, the character on my Transformers DS game said a bad word in their language.
Me: Really? What did he say?
Jack: He said the other Transformer had a defective sensor- that means idiot in their language.
Megan(giggling): Defective sensor???
Jack: Uh huh. That means idiot.
Megan: No it doesn't. It just means the sensor doesn't work anymore.
Jack: Oh.

...and back to silence.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Well boys and girls, it's time for another video.

It has been quite a while since I've posted video of the kids. But alas, the time has come. In this installment, we have Jack entertaining us with the musical stylings of Black Eyed Peas, Boom Boom Pow accompanied by some serious dance moves.

You will hear me start laughing about 30 seconds in and I'd like to think I was laughing *with* him and not at him, but you be the judge.

I love how he fake lip syncs when he's not sure of the words. But all in all, Jack is just a good time.

Friday, July 31, 2009

I was there for less than 24 hours but a lot of my stay involved conversations about ass.

A lot of times when I try to relay a funny tale, I think it misses something in the translation. It's not quite as funny in the retelling as it was experiencing it first hand. Because of that reason, I threw out the following Twitter message:

Debating if I should blog about my Tourrettes like moment at Blogher when I yelled "ass crack" at @Carolynonline.

And then Carolyn...Online sent this back:
CarolynOnline@jwachtel Yes please. And when we did synchronized drinking. And when I scared that poor HPV lady with my ass cancer comment.

It confirmed that there was at least one other person who agreed my less-than-24-hour experience at Blogher was filled with hilarious moments. So I'm going to try to do it justice in the re-telling. First and foremost, I met Carolyn...Online and Miss Picket in real life. They are both lovely, funny, and smart and I'm so glad I went. That said, I still had the normal anxiety one might experience upon meeting someone face-to-face for the first time. I worried that perhaps I might say the wrong thing at some point and offend them, or that worse yet, maybe we'd have nothing to say to each other and there would be lots of long awkward pauses. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. While Carolyn and I waited for Darcy (Miss Picket) to arrive from her hellacious flight where a bunch of drunk firefighters got kicked off the plane because they were yelling about being late for strippers, we watched a number of bloggers read during the Friday night keynotes. Mid-way through, when Carolyn typed a note on her Blackberry that read something like, "Do you want to stay here or should we listen to this from the lobby bar?", I felt as though I'd known her in real life for much longer than the 60 minutes we'd actually known each other.

And perhaps it was because I felt as if I'd known Carolyn for an extremely long time that I involuntarily yelled out to her in a Tourrettes-like fashion, "ASS CRACK, ASS CRACK" when I literally saw some lady's ass crack walking through the lobby. In my defense, it isn't every day that one sees major crackage just hanging out there for everyone to see but believe me, this was a major oversight in fashion on this lady's part. As soon as the words flew out of my mouth, and Carolyn turned around, I thought perhaps this was going to be the moment where I said something to offend her. Carolyn looked at me, and then looked at ass crack lady for approximately 2.234 seconds before she said, "Should I take a picture of it? Would that be wrong to take a picture of it?" Kindred spirits we are, I tell you!

Next up? The lobby bar to watch the rest of the speakers and sip on our ice-cold beers and continue waiting for Darcy's plane to arrive. As we watched the speakers each one as funny, touching, and brilliant as the next, Carolyn and I drank in perfect synchronicity...literally. At one point, we both raised our beers to our mouths at exactly the same time and had a bit of a laugh over that. But in all seriousness, it's nice to be drinking with someone who is on pace with you- matching you drink for drink. (Uh, does that make me sound like a total alcoholic???)

Anyhoo...still waiting for Darcy to arrive (Where the hell are you Darcy???) and we head down to the cocktail party and took one last tour of the swag area. We made a momentary stop to hear the one minute pitch of the Pearl of Wisdom lady. She explained to us that the pins she was handing out were for cervical cancer awareness. And it was here, in this moment, where Carolyn started a sentence that ended with something along these lines (I'm paraphrasing), "and you know poor Farrah Fawcett with her ass cancer." To which I started to giggle like a 13 year-old and said something like, "Uh, that's the wrong hole." (giggle, giggle). I looked to my left to see the Wisdom of Pearl lady shifting uncomfortably as Carolyn and I continued our side conversation.

Carolyn: "Yeah, but both of those cancers are caused from that same HPV virus or something."
Me(laughing hysterically by this point): Oh...really?
Wisdom of Pearl lady (mortified): ...

Then we left the booth as fast as we could both bending over in laughter. And when I say "as fast as we could" I mean me taking 3 steps, crossing my legs and bending over so as not to wet my pants from laughing.

And FINALLY...Darcy arrived and we filled both her hands with beers to catch up with us and then snuck in through the back door of a party. So fun.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Mornings with Jack

This weekend we took a family trip up to our farm in Wisconsin. While we are still in the cleaning phase of our farm adventure, we opt to stay in a hotel. This means two things:

1) I usually get kicked in the face by either Megan or Jack in the middle of the night since we share a bed.

2) I get an awesome 10-12 hours of sleep since we go to bed when the kids do at around 8:00ish.

An added bonus is hearing Jack's morning thoughts. This is when he's at his most engaging, loving, and questioning self.

Morning #1 (scene-Me sleeping with Jack)
Jack (rolling over to snuggle): Snugga...snugga (translation- snuggle...I want to snuggle)
Me: ... (translation- no translation...just laying there hoping he will go back to bed).
Jack: Mommy?
Me: Yes.
Jack: You are the most beautiful girl in the whole world!
Me: Thanks, Jack.
Jack: I love you.
Me: I love you too- so much.
Jack: You are the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world!
Me: Thanks, Jack.
Jack: Now what are you supposed to say to me?
Me: are the most handsome boy in the whole world?
Jack: Thanks, Mommy!

Morning #2 (scene- me standing in the bathroom with Jack as he is taking his morning pee)
Jack (peeing): Mommy?
Me: Yes?
Jack (looking down): How come sometimes my penis looks like this?
Me (looking down to see his little morning wood): Uh, hmmm. Well...because sometimes that happens with boys, especially in the mornings.
Jack: But why?
Me: Uh...well...because...uh, there is blood that flows in there and it well...gets hard...and it's called an erection.
Jay (strolling by the bathroom): What's he asking about?
Me (gesturing to Jack): He wants to know why his penis looks like that sometimes.
Jay (disappearing):...

Friday, July 24, 2009

I'm doing it.

Tonight, I will be stepping out of my comfort zone. Really and truly outside of my comfort zone. I am social in circumstances where I know the people I'm with. I'm at my best in those situations. Put me in a crowd of people where I know no one? Uh, yeah- I'm getting hives just thinking about it. I imagine myself wandering aimlessly through a crowd of people gripping my Blackberry and pretending what I'm looking at on that screen is of most importance to avoid the awkward eye contact and lack of witty things to say.

Last year at this time, I envisioned what it would be like to go. And then I got an email from Carolyna few weeks ago...

It's Carolyn Online. How've you been? I think that new train ride to work is cutting into your blog writing time.

Are you still planning to go to Blogher? You know our door is open for you to stay with us at the hotel. Also, if you're going, Darcy and I just rsvp'd to the MamaPop party on Friday night. You just go to the mamapop website and leave a comment - that's the rsvp for the party.

I said yes and left it at that. I told Jay I was doing it. And a few weeks went by without another word. I started to talk myself out of it because I'm anxious like that.

And then the other email came from Ms. P....

Are you spending the night with me and Carolyn? You are
welcome to, and I hope you will!!! ...If you are (AND YOU BETTER BE), please bring a cooler. Seriously! There is no way we can keep the joint jumping with a coupla ice tubs from down the hall.

Lemme know.

I mentioned the email to Jay. His response? "Why wouldn't you go???" And then my resolve was strengthened. So I'm going. To Blogher. With Ms. P. and Carolyn...Online. And I'm bringing a cooler. And I can't wait.

Oh, and did I mention that they are authors? These two lovely ladies wrote a book. Oh yes, they did.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The sound of my heart breaking

The sound of my heart breaking. It sneaks up on me sometimes when I least expect it but it happens more frequently now that I am a mother.

I suppose all moms know what I mean; that tight squeeze of your heart strings when your baby falls, or gets picked on, or well ... whatever.

The other night, as Jack scooted around our cul-de-sac, Jay, Megan and I walked around the back of the house to look at our newly built shed and ponder where the shelves should go.

About 5 minutes later, I heard Jack crying-really hard, and from inside our house, I heard him yell in a panicked voice what sounded like,"Is anyone here?!?"

I walked to the house calling his name. I assumed he must have fallen and scraped his knee but as I got closer, there was no sign of blood and all the signs of pure terror in my 5 year-old's face. "What's wrong buddy?" I asked as I scooped him up into my arms.

Jack: I (gasp)...couldn't (sob) (more sobs)
Me: Awww, did you think we left you?
Jack: (sob) Yes!
Me (looking him right in the eye): Look at me...look at me...We would NEVER leave you. Never.
Jack: Never?
Me: Never! We would never leave you behind.
Jack: But what if someone stole me away?
Me: We'd look for you until we found you.
Jack: You'd never give up?
Me: We'd NEVER give up.
Jack: What if someone put me in a box and sent me to China?
Me: Then we'd go to China and look for you until we found you.

And in that short minute, with that brief exchange, I felt it- my breaking heart. In that short moment, it was so important to me that he know, really and truly know, that we'd NEVER give up-even if it meant we had to go to China and search through boxes. I'd do it. No question.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Sometimes kids say things that, while funny, can be quite genius.

Jack's first words upon waking, "Daddy, I learned something in my sleep last defeats mean."

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Clearly, I'm an idiot.

So I was at T-Ball tonight and had one of my not-so-finer-moments...I think I *might* have yelled "Brutal!" a little too loudly at when one of the kids kept doing practice swings. In my defense, it was more like he thought he was playing golf with all the practice swings.

I said to Jay, "Did I just yell that too loud??" He shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Meh."

About two minutes later he informed me that in fact, the brutal kid's father just happened to be sitting next to us.

Clearly, I'm an idiot.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Tribute to Michael Jackson

With all the media hoopla about Michael Jackson, it was only a matter of time before my kids began to ask questions, and express an interest in MJ. Megan has expressed her interest in the usual ways- asking what our favorite MJ songs are, and asking for MJ songs and the Thriller video to be added to her iPod.

Both kids have given their best shot at the moon walk and have watched the Thriller video multiple times.

Jack's MJ interest manifested itself through Legos. This is Jack's tribute to Michael Jackson a la Thriller.

Notice Jack's attention to detail with the forward motion of MJ and his girl friend running from the ghoul. MJ is even wearing his signature red outfit. Jack searched high and low through his Lego pieces to find just the right hair for MJ. Makes a mother proud to see this level of creativity from a 5 year-old.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

It's like we never had kids

Last night my newest nephew was born! We are all very excited for this event. My sister-in-law Lori, and her husband are the proud parents of a new baby boy.

We've been anxiously awaiting this little guy's arrival. The last few months have been full of anxious moments for them (and us!) which you can read about here.

Megan and Jack are excited, too. They were telling us last night that they want a new brother of their own. It was kind of sweet the way they asked for a new brother in the same way they'd ask for a new toy, or a new dog. Obviously, we said no... but what I thought was- "Not just no, but hell no".

At any rate, he's here- and he's healthy- and I can't wait to get my hands on the little guy. We all anxiously awaited word yesterday for any news of progress and finally just like that, he was here!

Jay was sitting on the porch when I got the news so I ran out to tell him.

Me: He's here!
Jay: He is? How is everything?
Me: Good- it went fine.
Jay: But...everything's fine?
Me: Yup. They are all good. Everyone is healthy. Lori pushed for about an hour and a half and...
Jay (looking surprised): Is that normal?
Me: Yeah, I pushed for about two hours with Megan.
Jay (obviously forgetting most details about our children's births): ...(pause...pause)...huh, really? It's almost like we never had kids.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The fishing excursion

When Megan and Jack went to Grandma and Bampa's house for their mini-vacation, Bampa took the kids fishing. It's one of the special things they do together; they dig for worms, get out their poles and head on down to the creek.

This year, the fishing excursion was fruitful. Each of the kids caught a couple fish- with the help of Bampa of course. Grandma was nice enough to video tape it for us. I love how Megan doesn't want to touch the fish she caught and Jack tries to help her out.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


I'm starting to learn some things about myself now that I've been commuting for a couple months into Chicago on the train. I'm learning that people are fun to watch. I'm also learning that in a lot of instances, I don't like people very much. Sure, individually I like "people" just fine, but I'm finding my tolerance for people who don't follow the unwritten/unspoken social etiquette frankly just drive me nuts.

Case in point:
Yesterday I was getting on the train and the entire car was mostly empty. Now, under these conditions most people know to select a seat not RIGHT NEXT to someone else. But noooo, this guy sits down right next to me when there are like 200 other seats available- really???

Then, as we neared our stop he got up to stand by the door and no sooner had he moved then some other lady must not have liked her seat because she plopped down right next to me. She proceeded to go all narcoleptic on me and fell asleep in two seconds flat. So, my stop is coming up and she's got me jammed into my seat by the window. As the train came to a stop, I started jostling my stuff around to try to wake her up. I finally had to say to her, "Excuse me, this is my stop." Now, under these conditions most people know that the right thing to do is GET UP and let me out, then sit back down. Not this lady- she scooted her feet underneath her indicating to me that I'm supposed to step over her to get out.

Realizing that she's not going to move, I am aware that my ginormous bag I am carrying could be a lethal weapon in these conditions so as I gingerly tried to step over her, I moved my bag to my front so I wouldn't hit her in the head. In doing so, I nailed the guy in the seat in front of me right in the side of his head. As I attempted to apologize profusely to the man, I lost my focus. I moved my bag to my back and took my step to get out to the aisle. I lost my balance and in a one-two punch, I simultaneously stepped on the lady's foot and nailed her in the head with my ginormous bag. I swear, it was like a Three Stooges episode.

The lady had the audacity to give me the Stink Eye. Byotch.

Friday, June 19, 2009

They're baaaack!!

Well the kids are back under my roof. It's nice to have the noise again- and to get back into the groove of things. And by back into the groove, I mean getting back the usual stuff- you know, Megan putting me in my place and Jack putting me on my pedestal.

We were driving to dinner tonight and to make conversation, I mentioned that I needed a haircut:

Me: I need a haircut bad. My bangs are out of control.
Megan: Why are you telling me that? You should be telling it to your hair.
Me: ....

And later while putting Jack to bed:

Jack: Mommy, you are yummy!
Me: Yummy?
Jack: Yes- when I tell you that you are yummy, that is another way for me to tell you that I think you are beautiful.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Playground Turmoil

Megan and Jack are on their "mini-vacation" at Grandma & Bampa's. They look forward to it and I don't blame them- later bedtimes, playing all day, endless bedtime stories from Grandma, donuts for breakfast, and Dairy Queen for dessert??? What's not to love?

And although I miss them terribly, it makes me feel good to know they are independent enough to enjoy time without me- and I know they are in exceptional hands.

I love hearing about what goes on when I'm not around. I check in every day and get the run down on the "funnies". The latest:

Jack and his cousin Amelia were having some playground issues...
Jack: She always wants to play girl things, and I want to play boy things.
Grandma: Why don't you try to compromise and play something you each like?
Jack: No, I just want to be the guy who sucks her brains out.

I don't even know what to say about that...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'll follow you anywhere

Jay is off to a big adventure today. His friend Steve convinced him a few months back to go on a week-long bike tour through the Colorado Rockies called Ride the Rockies. At first Jay wasn't sure but then they started thinking about it- kids are getting more busy, not less every summer and let's face it, although we aren't "old", yet... rounding the corner to 40 doesn't make you feel like a Spring chicken. So the sense of adventure set in and Jay agreed. And since Jay doesn't do anything half-assed, he fully committed to it. He bought a new bike; he bought new bike shoes, and then bike shoe covers because his feet were getting cold during their rides; he needed to look like a biker so he bought bike clothes...and then he trained...and trained...and trained. He's ready- mostly. But he certainly has some concerns.

First and foremost is the luggage. You can only have one bag and it has to weigh less than 70 pounds. When you factor in a tent, sleeping bag, and clothes for a week, that's just not a lot of space. So for the last 5 days, I've watched Jay pack and unpack and pack and unpack-lament about the lack of space- and pack and unpack again.

A larger concern is missing the family. He's never been apart from us for this long and really, never been away from the kids for longer than about 4 days. He's going to be gone for 10. Megan is old enough to understand lengths of time and she's already missing him and he hasn't even left yet. She asked me the other day if Daddy's trip would be longer than my trip to Brazil was (when I went there for 6 days a couple years ago) and when I said yes, you could physically see her getting bummed out.

Anyway- in order to keep in touch, Jay has set up a Twitter account to "tweet" about his trip, post pictures, etc. The friend that he's going with set up a Twitter account, too and I'm looking forward to seeing their banter. I'm expecting some real hilarity because there have been times when I've called Jay's friend, "his other wife". They bicker like an old married couple and have been friends since they were kids. Now I'm just hoping someone else besides me, his friend and some girl named "Horny Sophie" follow him to enjoy the 140 character or less banter!!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Life Lessons by Jack

Driving in the car today, I overheard Jack telling Megan about a girl at daycare who is "so annoying".

Me: Jack, don't you think it would hurt her feelings if she knew you called her annoying?
Jack: (pause...pause...) Maybe...I guess so.
Me: Well then maybe you should think about that and not call her annoying.
Jack: But that's the way life works.
Me: What do you mean?
Jack: Some people are annoying.

I just left it at that. How can you argue with that bit of truth?

Friday, May 29, 2009

Some of the best conversations happen at bedtime

The other night I put Jack to bed. As I turned to leave, he asked me to snuggle with him for a minute. So I did and about 30 seconds in, he became very chatty.

Jack: Do you like to snuggle?
Me: Sure I do.
Jack: Lots of married people, and people who are boyfriend and girlfriend and live together do some snuggling.
Me: Uh... uh huh.
Jack: How long have you and Daddy been married?
Me: Almost 12 years.
Jack: Wow!
Me: That's a long time, right? July will be 12 years.
Jack: So I bet you and Daddy snuggle on your anniversary?
Me: Um... well... usually more than just on our anniversary. *snicker*
Jack: Uh huh. Where did you meet?
Me: We met in college.
Jack: College? Did you see him and think you wanted to marry him?
Me: Pretty much! Once we actually met, we saw each other pretty much every day after that.
Jack: Did you go see romantic movies?
Me: Sometimes.
Jack: Did you go on a lot of romantic dates?
Me: Not really. We didn't have much money so we pretty much hung out and watched TV or went to the library.
Jack: Did you ever sit on a bench and watch the stars together?
Me: Not that I can remember.
Jack: When I have a girlfriend, I'll take her on romantic dates and we will sit and watch the stars together.
Me: That sounds nice, Jack. That's going to be one lucky girl.

And then I kissed him goodnight.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Love is all around

Jack was feeling particularly "lovey" this morning. From the moment he woke up, until we left for pre-school, he was telling me how much he loved me, Megan and Jay. Not that I complained about that one single bit!

Jack: Mommy, I love you more than anything!
Me: I love you too Jack!
Jack: I'm going to love you even when you look old.
Me: Thanks Jack! It doesn't matter what you look like, it's what is on the inside that counts, right?
Jack: Uh huh.
Me: So even when I look old, I'll still be the same person on the inside. And when you get older, you'll look different but I'll still love you just the same.
Jack: When you get old, you are going to move to a different house, right?
Me: Well, maybe. This house will be too big for me and Daddy once you and Megan grow up and move out.
Jack: When you move to your new house, will you give me your address so I can always find you?
Me: Of course! We would love it if you come to visit! And if you have kids of your own, maybe Daddy and I can babysit them- would you like that?
Jack: Uh huh!

***Then a few minutes later I walked into my bathroom. Jack followed me in there***

Jack: I know where my love bone is.
Me: Uh, what?
Jack: My love bone. I know where it is. It's right here-in my heart.
Me: Aw, that's sweet Jack.
(Jack walked out of the bathroom at this point)
Jay: I have a comment about that.
Me: Really? What?
Jay: The love bone...actually Jack, when you get older, the love bone moves further south.
Me: **giggle**

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Oh, Jack- it's not filled with pee...not really

Yesterday morning Jack waddled into my bedroom at about 4:30 am, naked as a Jay bird, because he wet his bed in the middle of the night and he needed a new place to sleep. I was half asleep as well so I let him crawl in and sleep with us.

After I woke up and showered, I nudged him and told him it was time to get up and get ready. I kind of forgot that he was totally naked so when he hopped out of the bed, I just kind of laughed and shook my head. But there was a little something that caught his eye. He looked down at his uh... "morning wood" and told me and Jay, "Look at how big it is! It's filled with pee- that's why it's so big!" And then he disappeared into the bathroom.

Jay and i just looked at each other and giggled at that one.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

She was put on this earth to humble me.

I swear, sometimes I think Megan was put on this earth just to humble me. If I ever have any doubt that I am funny, great-looking, profound etc. I just have to have a few moments with Megan and she brings me right back to reality. I exaggerate a bit on that point but I suppose anyone with a daughter older than three understands what I mean.

The other day, I was driving Megan and Jack to school and I can't remember how it came up but I was telling them a story about my brother...

Me: So this one time, Uncle Scott and I were at my Grammie's house. It must have been a holiday like Easter because we were dressed up. Uncle Scott saw a ketchup package on the ground and thought it would be a good idea to smash it with his foot. It splattered all over my Grammie's white pants.

Jack: OOoooooohhhhh....

Me: Yup. Grammie was not very happy with that. She was really mad-Come to think of it, I'm not sure I've ever seen her so mad.

Megan: Yeah, well she must have liked you a lot better than Uncle Scott after that, huh?

Me: Not really. She was just mad. Just because you get mad at someone doesn't mean you like them any less.

Then I decided this was an ideal teaching moment. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw Jack looking at me, and Megan peeking out the window.

Me: For instance, when either of you do something wrong to make me or Daddy mad, do you think it means we love you any less?

Jack: No! You always love us.

Me: That's right! We always love you no matter what. So if you ever get in a situation where you are in trouble and you are afraid to tell me or Daddy, you should always remember....

Megan (interrupting me, thick with sarcasm and enormous eye roll): Oh great- another speech. *sigh*

Friday, May 8, 2009

This is why I love my extended family

Email is a major form of communication for my family. Even more now that everyone is so busy, it's really one of the main ways we stay in touch. And they are funny, and supportive and just- well...the best. Example of a recent email communication:

Mother-in-law: OK Girls. Wardrobe help needed. Getting clothes ready for wedding this weekend... Planning to wear one of two black is all black, the other has a slight pin stripe in it. Will most likely wear open toed black strap heels. Question: Does anyone wear hose anymore even if the legs are winter white? Jen, I plan to bring both dresses and you can help me choose. If it is OK with you, I will just leave them at your house until we come again for the other wedding. Then I don't have to worry about transporting them back and forth. You really lose practice in dressing up if you only do it once in a blue moon. Interested in your opinions. M

Sister-in-law "B"- Interesting debate on the nylons. I never wear nylons but I think a wedding is different - it is a more formal affair so I don't think it would be inappropriate to wear nylons. I think it depends more on the style of dress and length of skirt, but I do think you can have winter white legs and not wear nylons. It also depends on the shoes. I'm interested in others' opinions. I'm sure there is some website to tell you what would be appropriate. Not seeing the dresses but just based on description, I would think you'd want the solid black. A pinstripe tends to be more daytime formal. Perhaps we need pictures . . . . :)

So, things I have learned about raccoons. 1. They can amazingly flatten their bodies. 2. The squeaky noise they make is quite loud. 3. It does not appear that they come out every day - still being determined but I have evidence of this fact. 4. They don't see too well which is proved by little kids faced pressed against window panes staring at an emerging raccoon. 5. 1 piece of chicken, 2 cat food cans and 4 marshmallows will not attract them into a cage. 6. and my favorite . . . they can really appear to snub their noses if they are not interested in #5.

Jay (my husband): At the risk of being persecuted, I say no nylons with open toed shoes is the fashion rule. Fashion smashion - do what you like. I hate raccoons.

Sister-in-law "Lori": NO NYLONS WITH OPEN TOED SHOES EVER UNDER ANYCIRCUMSTANCES> THAT IS WHYSLINGBACKS WERE INVENTED> I think you could wear either dress but try them on with the nylons and see what looks the best. You can always wear black nylons.

Me: Ditto to the previous comment regarding no nylons with open toe shoes -unless you are over 80 years old...then I am guessing nylons would be better than what is underneath.

Hilarious insights into raccoons. Did you know that frogs can squeal when they are cornered in a window well and you poke at it with a shovel? Just saying...

Sister-in-law "B": Good to know about frogs. I wonder who will squeal louder if they are thrown together in the same room?????

Thursday, April 30, 2009

What's that you ask? Where have I been? Well, some days I've been standing in the rain, or sitting on a garbage can

Well, I've gone and done it. I've become one of those pseudo bloggers who claims to be a blogger and then just totally falls off the face of the earth. I usually have some funny little tid bits about Megan and Jack to share but well, I have barely seen them in the past week so I have no idea what they are doing. As of Monday 4/27, I am officially a Chicago commuter. I took a new job that requires me to actually shower and put on make-up every day (gasp) and then herd myself like cattle onto a train to head into the Windy City every morning.

All I know is I should have taken a job outside the home a long time ago. I kid, but I must say it was nice to come home after my first day in the "office" to flowers and a steak dinner from my husband and then to be smothered with hugs and kisses from the kids every day.

The commuting experience sounded very glamorous. I imagined myself looking all swanky, with my coffee in one hand and ipod in the other moseying onto the train every morning. Uh yeah...not so much. It's more like try not to make eye contact with anyone as you shove them out of the way to get one of the last remaining open seats. I didn't realize you had to be so aggressive and so I spent one of my commutes this week sitting on the garbage can on the train. I wish I was joking.

Anyway, so we are adjusting. Tonight, I put Megan to bed and she kissed me goodnight and then took her blanket and said, "Look Mom, I'm making out with my blanket." I said, "How do you even know what making out is? You are seven."

"I don't know, I just know it."

I sighed and said, "Well I guess pretty soon I'm going to have to tell you about the facts of life."

Megan looked at me strangely and said, "Facts of life? What are those? Does it include pie???"

Monday, April 20, 2009

Megan's First Communion

It was a big weekend for us. Megan had her First Communion.

She had a number of parts in the mass and I was a nervous wreck. She was the procession leader and she also had a reading for the presentation of the gifts. She did great. Once her parts were over, she sat by me and continually asked how much longer it was going to take.

She kept saying she wanted to go eat her cake. I can't blame her. I had a friend of mine make a cake and it was soooo cute! Megan told me earlier in the day that she wanted one of the entire feet for her piece of the cake. But as she continued to ask away about when exactly we would be "done", I had had enough...

Megan: How much longer will this take?
Me: Not long.
Megan: How much longer?
Me: Not long.
Megan: When can we go eat my cake?
Me: Well, you know, each time you ask me about how much longer this will take, your piece of cake gets smaller and smaller.
Megan: Really? Are you serious?
Me: Yes, and right about now, your piece of the cake is about the size of a toe, not the entire foot.
Megan: Awww. I don't like toes. They taste disgusting.
Me: How would you know how toes taste?
Megan (shrugging her shoulders): Um, because I've licked my toes before...
Me: That's gross.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


In a couple weeks, Megan and her dad will be attending the annual Girl Scouts Daddy/Daughter dance. Every year, there is a theme to the dance; this year's theme requires the participants to dress up as cowboys and cowgirls. As I did the dishes tonight, I overheard Megan and Jay talking about the dance.

Jay: I think I need to find my chaps to wear to the dance.
Megan: What are chaps?
Jay: Chaps are pants without the back. They only have the front of the pants.
Megan: That is sick!

Friday, April 10, 2009

It's a multi-purpose tool, really...

So I watched this Oprah episode yesterday about how to talk to your kids about sex. It is now saved on my DVR with a lock on it to never delete until I say so. Because although I don't need that advice right now, it certainly will come in handy in about 2-3 years when Megan is closer to the age of 10. (Except for the part where the Dr. suggests that as a parent, you offer your 15 year old daughter the possibility of a vibrator. Um, sorry no- prudesaywhat?) The episode had a mother on the show talking to her 10 year old, explaining in detail the mechanics of sex.

I've always wondered exactly what I should say once the time was upon us to explain the "Birds and the Bees". And when I say "us", I mean me because there is NO WAY Jay is going to take on that task. Actually, Jay and I tend to differ on the best approach. I'm of the tell them early and often mentality and Jay... well, let me put it this way- I think he once told me that he doesn't want our kid to be the one who is the first of his/her friends to know. He wants them to be "middle of the pack".

At any rate, I've always tried to create an environment where my kids are not ashamed of their bodies. We call their "stuff" by its real name and when my kids are um, "exploring" I usually turn a blind eye.

The other day, Jack was in the bathtub and Megan and I were in the bathroom with him talking about other things, not really paying attention to him. I could hear him chattering away to himself but I didn't pay much attention until he called out something that sounded like, "penis control".

Megan started to giggle and I looked over at Jack who was sprawled out on his back in the tub and clearly had a handle on his, uh...appendage.

I asked him, "What did you say, Jack?"

Jack, still fully hands on explained, "I said that my body is a robot and my penis is the remote control. See, I just grab it and when I move it, it controls my body."

Now, I don't have a penis myself (obviously) but well, the way he was handling that thing seemed to be a bit reckless in my mind. Megan was giggling uncontrollably at this point and her eyes were huge. She leaned over and whispered to me, "Mommy, um, what is that thing under his penis that looks like a balloon?"

"It's his (gulp) testicles."

Megan squealed and when I looked back over, Jack was now taking his finger and poking at his penis; it almost looked as if he was trying to stuff it back into his body. Jack heard Megan's reaction and looked at her as if she was crazy. "What? It feels good," he said defending himself.

This put Megan over the edge, "Mooom!!!!" she wailed.

"Megan, why don't you go put on your pajamas. Leave Jack alone. It's his body and he can do what he wants with it." I told her.

I let Jack have a few more moments with to himself while I pondered what he said. " penis is the remote control. See, I just grab it and when I move it, it controls my body."

Double entendre, anyone?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The lid controversy

Recently, Jack has been making a critical mistake- one that has not gone unnoticed by the people in our house that don't have any Y chromosomes. It started very sporadically; a few months back Jack left the lid of the toilet seat up. It wouldn't have been so bad but Megan happened to sit down without looking. Let's just say the cold porcelain wasn't very comforting and her loud squeal of "Jaaaaack!!!!" let us know she wasn't very pleased. I tried to explain to Jack that in our house, the toilet seats *must* remain down. I thought we were on the same page...until the last couple days.

On multiple occasions, Jack has left the toilet seat up. And, well, it's just disgusting- especially when it is the day before my cleaning lady arrives (like today) because that means Jack and his not-so-perfect-aim is very um...apparent and has had multiple days to accumulate when one lifts the toilet seat. I shudder just thinking about it.

So today was my breaking point. The lid was up...again. Megan happened to be standing by me and we gave each other a knowing glance and and eye roll before I sighed and called, "Hey Jack?"

"What Mommy?" he responded from the other room.

"Jack, you really need to remember to put the lid down, buddy. I'm serious. It's gross and us girls are going to start rebelling."

Megan nodded vehemently and tacked on to my sentiment. "Yeah, Jack. You aren't going to get any dates!"

And while what Megan said is perhaps true, I wasn't exactly talking about the entire human population rebelling...just the two females in this house.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

They don't even know me at all.

A few weeks ago, a high school classmate of mine posted something of interest in Facebook. She had a series of questions she asked her young children to answer- questions about her specifically. So I decided I would shamelessly steal the idea and once I had my kids trapped in the bathtub, I let the interrogation begin. I must say, the results of my line of questioning were somewhat surprising.

1) What is something Mom always says to you?
Jack: No
Megan: Uh...uh...uh...Do you have one of these questions for Daddy instead?
What I learned: Jack thinks I'm mean and Megan apparently listens to Jay more than me.

2) What makes Mom happy?
Jack: When I say I love you.
Megan: Chocolate
What I learned: Both my kids are very perceptive.

3) What makes Mom sad?
Jack: Doing mean stuff.
Megan: Hmmm...Do you have one of these questions for Daddy instead? (And after I told her "Enough with the Daddy comments, okay???" Ummm...When we say we don't want to hug you or kiss you?
What I learned: Jack makes sweeping generalizations and Megan clearly likes Jay more than me.

4) How does your mom make you laugh?
Jack: She tells jokes.
Megan: She, she, she um...well, um, I'm not very sure...I'm still thinking.
What I learned: Really??? Really??? I've got nothing on this one.

5) How old is your mom?
Jack: I don't know...100?
Megan: I think Mommy's 37.
What I learned: Apparently Jack thinks I'm as ancient as the hills.

6) How tall is your mom?
Jack: 5 inches tall
Megan: Uh, six feet and ten inches?
What I learned: I think my kids think I might be Alice in Wonderland given the disparity in their answers.

7) What does your mom do when you're not around?
Jack: She works.
Megan: Mommy eats food.
What I learned: Megan thinks I have an eating disorder.

8)What is your mom really good at?
Jack: Uh, uh, uh...Walking? Everyone's good at walking, except for babies.
Megan: Uh...let's see...What was the question? She's pretty good at making Mac & Cheese, I guess.
What I learned: Walking? Really Jack??? And Megan- Mac & Cheese? Sigh...

9) What is your mom not very good at?
Jack: Running.
Megan: Awww...Oooh! I know! Singing.
What I learned: Jack thinks I have coordination issues and Megan is very perceptive to my voice (which sounds like a dying cat).

10) What makes you proud of your mom?
Jack: I don't know.
Megan: Well, um... She um... she has freckles?
What I learned: Clearly my kids have a 9 question limit. This is just depressing.

11) How are you and your mom different?
Jack: I like fighting and Mommy doesn't.
Megan: She's bigger than me...What if I said you had a bigger bum? (hee hee hee)
What I learned: I'm a lover, not a fighter... and Megan thinks I have a fat ass.

12) How do you know your Mom loves you?
Jack: The kissing.
Megan: 'Cuz um, well if she weren't here, I don't know where I would get my cookies...or my cold milk.
What I learned: I was put on this earth to deliver cookies and milk as a sign of my utter love and devotion.

13) Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Jack: I don't know... On dates?
Megan: In her bed.
What I learned: Clearly I need to get out more.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Quite possibly, the most hilarious thing Megan has said in all her 7 1/2 years on this planet.

I'm sure on some level I'm biased about my children, as all parents are. I'm sure I think my kids are cuter, smarter, and more hilarious than others do, but I suppose that is part of being a parent. I also think there comes a time as a parent when you realize that your child has grown up, has matured right before your eyes and somehow, you may have missed when that happened. Today that happened for me. Every week, Megan has her religious education class and every week we have the same routine-I pull up, I let her out, I watch her walk through the doors, and it is only then that I drive away.

Although today, I pulled up, I let her out, and I watched her trip and take a nose dive onto the ground. The papers from her folder sprawled everywhere. I gasped and waited, sure she was going to run back to the car crying. But that isn't what happened. She got up, looked at her knee for a moment, gathered her papers and headed into the building without so much as a backwards glance toward me.

An hour later, I was back at the church to pick her up and as we walked back to the car, I casually mentioned the tripping incident. "So..." I said cautiously, "You took a bit of a spill on the way into your class, huh?"

"Uh, yeah." Megan nodded.

"I thought for sure you were going to come running back to the car crying." I said.

"Really?" Megan responded. "Well I thought you were going to get out of the car and come over with a pen and write LOSER on my forehead."

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Haircut snafu

Seeing as I was a teenager in the 1980's, I have a number of stories that entail embarrassing hair moments. These range from the less than poofy bangs after swimming class when my Clicker curling iron ran out of butane, to the flat hair caused on a humid day when my Aqua Net hairspray ran out, to the hideous poodle perm that I had where the stylist assured me that it would "relax" in a week or two, to my favorite...

My friends from high school call it the "Even Steven Haircut" or it is also known as the time Jen got a not-so-super-cut-from-Super-Cuts. I won't go into a lot of detail but suffice to say, I left the salon crying because my bangs were totally uneven. And I'm not talking about the "oh, they're just a little off and I can fix it on my own when I get home" kind of uneven. I'm talking about the "These bangs are at a 45 degree angle uneven and the stylist should have her license pulled" kind of uneven. I remember coming home and calling my friends to come over- begging them to help me fix it. I also remember them walking in and rolling on the floor laughing once they saw me. By the time we were done, uh..."fixing it", my bangs were about 1/2 inch in length.

Anyway, I say all this because Jack got his haircut over the a place called Great Clips. The first day he came home I didn't even notice anything amiss. But as the days have gone by, I can't stop fixating on the bangs. So much so that going forward, this haircut in my mind will be known as the not-so-great-clip-from-Great-Clips.

Friday, March 13, 2009

So that's what goes on in that head of hers.

Today we had a conference with Megan's teacher. Things went just fine and Megan's teacher sent home Megan's journal with us to read. It's an interesting read. I feel like I have a better insight into her thought process. Among my favorite entries:

Entry titled "You get too much food!! Megan/great one"
I am most like the Great One because I tease my brother because my brother can't swim. I order less food at McDonald's.

(My thought: WTH????)

Entry titled "COW"
If I could talk to a cow, I would ask...Why do you make milk? Why do you say moo? Can I ride on you? Do you have a brother or sister? How old are you? Can my friend ride on you?

(My thought: Again...WTH????)

Entry titled "September 4 '08"
My family is very nice. I don't get along with my brother. His name is Jack and he is 4. My dad is a teacher.

(My thought: What am I? Chopped liver???)

Entry titled "9/18/08"
2nd grade is fun and kinda hard. We do a lot of math. We are so close to a pebble party. Cubs stink...Yay me!

(My thought: Her Bampa would be so proud)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Daylight Savings Time and my kids don't seem to see eye to eye.

Me personally, I love daylight savings time. Extra hours of daylight? Yes, please thankyouverymuch. My kids, seemingly not so much thankyouverymuch.

Normally Megan and Jack are early birds. They are the kids that would come knocking on your door asking your kids to play at 7:00 AM, if I let them. They are the kids that don't need alarm clocks. Their internal body clocks do that just fine thankyouverymuch. But yesterday, their body clocks were amiss. I waited patiently. 6:00 came and went. 6:30 came and went. 6:45 came and went and by 6:55, I decided I had to take action. Megan moaned and groaned a little bit as I roused her from her bed but she was manageable. Jack on the other hand, well... I opened his door and sat down on the edge of the bed. I reached over to give him a gentle nudge and instead of the usual, cheerful "Good morning Mommy!" I usually get when he makes his way downstairs, he rolled over and started yelling at me. Uh, yeah- I said yelling at me.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I guess things are different than when I was young.

Megan: Mom, you want to hear something funny?
Me: Sure.
Megan: Today at lunch, Sean leaned over my head and burped on it. He just leaned over and went like this- Buuuuurrrrp. Right on my head.
Me: That's so rude!
Megan: No it's not. It's funny.
Me: I think that is rude behavior.
Megan: Well, not in second grade it's not.
Me: Oh.
Megan: And you want to hear something else funny?
Me: Okay.
Megan: Sometimes, when I'm at the drinking fountain with Joey, we take water and go like this (makes flicking motion with her hand) at each other.
Me: Really? What do you do that for?
Megan: Because it's funny and when we walk back into Miss T's class, Joey usually has a big smile on his face...and I usually have a wet shirt.
Me: Huh... okay then. Goodnight Meg.
Megan: 'Night Mom.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

The epitome of laziness

Communication is breaking down around here- verbal communication that is. I hear the high pitched dinging noise of my text messaging and get up to retrieve my phone wondering who could be text messaging me.

I look at the screen and see this:

"Did they charge our credit card for Ride the Rockies?"

Geez- it's from Jay, my loving husband. At this very moment, Jay is in the other room...not even 30 feet from where I sit. So I respond:

"This has got to be the epitome of laziness."

After another moment passes, I again hear the familiar dinging of my text messaging and look down to see this:

"No, that would be if I was asking you to bring me a beer."

Fair enough. He does have a good point there.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Us girls still know how to party like it's 1993...actually, not so much.

Last weekend I went downtown for a college friend's birthday party. I have to say I was counting the minutes until it was time to leave and I'm not totally sure but I think I may have left skid marks in my driveway as I left. Not that I don't love my family. I do. They are near and dear to my heart. But lately, I've been spending too much time in the house. I haven't been traveling for work the way I used to so I'm now working from home 100% of the time, and the weather has been horrendous. The side effect of this is that I basically never leave my house but for 15 minutes a day to get my kids off to school. Essentially the only human contact I have is with Jay and the two shorties that live in my house. Megan asked the other day what coat she should wear and...well, I couldn't tell her- I hadn't been outside in days and had absolutely no idea what the weather was like. I'm really starting to feel like Sandra Bullock from the movie The Net (You know the movie from the mid-1990's where she works from home, orders pizzas online and none of her neighbors ever see her? Yeah, that's me now, except she's waaaay better looking than me, and for the most part, I still use the phone to order my pizzas.)

So needless to say, I was pretty excited to get out of the house. And hanging out with my college girlfriends???? Forget about it! I automatically feel like I'm 20 all over again. So downtown we went to party like it was 1993...and therein lies the problem. Just because my mind feels like I'm 20 again, doesn't mean that my body agrees.

There was cocktailing and dancing... lots of it. Oh, and plenty of photos to remember the evening by. Just a few middle-age ladies out for a night on the town.

...and then more cocktails...

And there you have it...obviously way too many cocktails.

Don't get me wrong, the signs of age were there. They were subtle at first. Like the fact that my vocal chords can't handle screaming over the music for multiple hours on end. As I tried to hold a conversation, my voice started to give out. But in my defense, my middle-age cohort's ears might not be as good as they used to be, either. I can't remember exactly what the conversation was about. I just remember thinking what I was saying was hilarious and my friend kept saying, "What?!?" every time I repeated myself... until about the fourth time. Then she laughed and I thought she finally heard me and got what I was saying. Then, she looked at me and said, "I know you are going to kill me but...what?"

I began to notice some other subtle differences between the 1993 version of Us and the 2009 version of Us.

1) Instead of drinking and dialing our "boyfriends" at the end of the night, we all called home before 8:00 PM so as not to wake the kids.

2) When we get home at 1:30 AM, now we say, "I can't believe I stayed out until 1:30!" instead of "It's only 1:30?!? Where is the after hours?"

3) And most of all, instead of sleeping until noon the next day, we still get up early like we are programmed to do and fight off the post-drinking haze with an Imitrex and 800 mg Ibuprofen. Oh yeah, I said it... 800 em-gees. I'm crazy smart like that. (Actually my friend is crazy smart like that and loaned me said 800 mg Ibuprofen)

But I'd do it again in a minute.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Megan's future may be in graphic design

Megan made this presentation today in Powerpoint. I think it's a pretty great story. Jack agrees. After we were done watching the show, Jack proclaimed, "Megan, it's a HIT!"

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Interesting (or not so interesting) facts: Where a band member of The Fray lives and love is nice.

Conversations evoked this morning from watching videos on VH1:

After seeing kissing in a video...
Megan: Kissing is gross. Yuck.
Jay: Maybe they are in love.
Jack: Yeah Megan, love is nice.
Megan: But Jack, do you like watching people kiss?!?!?
Jack: Yes.
Megan: Yuck.

While watching The Fray's You Found Me video...
Me: Hey Megan, you want to know an interesting fact?
Megan: Sure.
Me: There is a guy that I work with, he lives in Denver and his next door neighbor is one of the band members of The Fray. I've told your dad that fact like two times and for some reason he doesn't think it is that interesting.
Megan: I like famous people!!!
Me (thinking I had proved my point): SEE!!! Thank you!!
Megan(bursting my bubble): Well, I'm not saying that fact is all that interesting.
Jay: You know why it's not that interesting? Megan, do you know who Mommy works with?
Megan: No.
Jay (completely deflating my bubble): Exactly! So the "fact" is basically some dude you don't know, knows some famous dude who you'll never meet.
Me: .....

Friday, February 20, 2009

We've established being a chef is not a career choice.

As part of Megan's "Road to First Communion", she is required to participate in a community service project. She has settled on volunteering for Feed My Starving Children.

**The approach is simple: children and adults hand-pack meals designed specially for starving children, and FMSC ships the meals to more than 60 countries around the world.
**From the FMSC web site.

This morning we talked about volunteering while we waited for the school bus.

Me: So Megan, you for sure want to volunteer for Feed My Starving Children?
Megan: Yeah.
Me: Jack, do you want to come with me and Megan to volunteer for Feed My Starving Children?
Jack: What is it?
Me: Well, it's an organization that puts together food and sends it to kids all over the world that don't have much food.
Jack: No. I don't want to do it.
Megan: Why don't you want to do it, Jack?
Jack: Because if I go there, it will make me want to be a chef when I grow up and I don't want to be a chef when I grow up.
Megan(laughing): Jack, they don't make you cook the food. You just put the packages of food in boxes to send to kids.
Jack: I still don't want to do it.
Me: Fair enough. But since you don't want to be a chef when you get older, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Jack: I've decided that I want to be an afleet. (***He meant athlete)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Oh look kids! It's a real life shoplifter!

I love when real life presents me with an opportunity to teach my kids a life lesson. Tonight we ran up to Target to get a couple birthday gifts for some upcoming parties Megan and Jack will be attending. It was a quick trip. We ran in, grabbed our stuff and headed out. It may have been the fastest trip to Target ever. Okay, I take that back. It may have been the fastest trip to Target where we *actually* purchased something. I've had a quick trip to Target in the past that ended in me carrying Jack out under my arm like a football while he screamed hysterically and wildly kicked at Megan the whole time we were walking out without actually purchasing anything. Ah, good times...good times.

As we left Target, I looked to my right and saw two police cars pulled right up by the door, about five police officers, two Target employees, and three very guilty looking teenage boys standing against the wall. I sprung into action. "Hey Megan and Jack, look over there, you see that? See those police officers over there?"

"Uh huh. What's going on?" They both responded in tandem.

"Those, my children, are SHOPLIFTERS! You know what a shoplifter is?" I didn't wait for them to answer. Instead I continued to stare and point as if we were looking at the lions at the zoo. "Shoplifters are people who take things from stores without paying for them."

"Are they getting in trouble?" Jack asked.

"Uh, yeah they are! They are getting ARRESTED and they will probably go to JAIL!"

At this point both Megan and Jack's eyes widened like saucers and they said, "Really???"

"Uh huh," I continued, "Look at that...those police officers are checking them for their stolen goods. Oooh- and now look! They are putting handcuffs on them. Whew, those guys are in a lot of trouble."

We piled into the car and I turned around to the kids, "Hey, you want me to drive around so you can get a closer look at those shoplifters?"

"YES!" The kids yelled in unison as if I just asked them if they wanted a gigantic ice cream sundae. So I pulled around slowly just as they were cuffing the last of the three teenagers. I swear I think Jack had his face pressed up against the glass to get a better look while Megan just whispered, "Cool!".

Life lesson complete. I proceeded to drive home to the onslaught of follow on questions about shoplifting, jail sentences, and my two favorite questions by Jack:

Q: What happens if you run from the police?
My answer: Well, you should never run from the police. They will think you are running because you did something wrong and they might shoot you.

Q:What about technology crimes? The police don't need their guns for technology crimes do they?
My thought: Technology crimes??? How do they know about "technology crimes"???

Sunday, February 15, 2009

I wouldn't eat those apples if you paid me (optionally titled: I think my children's biological mother may be Elaine Benes)

It's been a while since I've stalked followed my kids around with a video camera but last week I taped them quite a bit. For the most part, they seem to enjoy it and many times, they play it up for the camera. Last week I turned on some Rihanna and just let them go.

Megan wanted some props so she opted for some apples. It seemed like a good idea at first until she started rubbing the apples on her head, then sticking them up to her nose. She also attempted to juggle *one* apple but dropped it onto my floor damaging it beyond repair. I'm guessing a job as a clown or a juggler isn't in her future.

Jack wasn't going to get in on the action but after a few minutes, he just couldn't help himself and he had to let his body groove to the music. Megan didn't want to share the spotlight so she attempted to dance him out of the scene but he's no dummy. He called her on it.

He finished it off with his signature move- sashaying across the floor. All he was missing was some jazz hands and his move would have been complete.

Upon watching my children dance their butts off, only one thing came to mind...the scene from Seinfeld where Elaine started dancing at the wedding.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I always wondered how to get past the Darth Maul level of Nintendo DS Star Wars... Thanks, Jack!

And the obsession continues... Jack is deeply in love/lust with Nintendo DS Star Wars. I don't get it; I don't understand it. Half of the time, when he's talking to me about it, I have no idea what he's saying. Here is a glimpse of what I mean. In this video, Jack is trying to explain to me how to get through the Darth Maul level of Star Wars. I love how he's displaying the game for the camera.

He's trying so hard to ignore Megan as she attempts to go all Jedi Mind Trick on him to break his concentration. Silly girl. She knows not the depths of his love for Star Wars.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Updates on my pledges

So I'm trying to live up to the pledges I set for myself. So far, so good. I donated blood last week. It was just like I remembered and the lady told me that it had actually been 4 years since I donated last. Ouch.

I also filled out my volunteer form for the American Cancer Society and hope to begin helping out at events next week. I can count on one hand the number of people in my lineage who became ill and/or died of something other than cancer. Seriously, when I fill out my family's medical history, the cancer section reads like a who's who list: Lung cancer, stomach cancer, prostate cancer, skin cancer, breast cancer, colon cancer and pancreatic cancer all run in my bloodline. I'm sure I'm missing some from the list but you get the idea. So unless a cure for the big C happens in my lifetime, I can say with a decent amount of certainty that unless I die in some horrible accident, I will likely meet my demise with the big C. At any rate, I'm passionate about this cause and am looking forward to helping.

My other pledges are making progress as well. I've mostly stopped using plastic at the grocery store and purchased reusable totes to carry my groceries. I've also been trying out some new, eco-friendly household products. I was skeptical at first because I've come to believe (for whatever reason) that chemicals were the only way you could really get something *clean*. Clorox wipes run rampant at my house and I always have this little voice in the back of my head that wonders, is it really a good idea to put food on the counter I just "cleaned" with bleach and other toxins? I'm also that same person that fills both cups in my dishwasher to overflowing with dishwasher detergent- just to make sure it works.

So, anyhoo...I tried out a few products from Ecostore USA and am wondering if anyone else has used this brand? This is my first toe-dip in the eco-friendly pool so I'm not even sure what other alternatives exist out there but have to say, I was pleasantly surprised.

My favorite of all the products that I tried was the Auto Dish Powder. According to the label, it only requires one tablespoon per load. I totally rolled my eyes after reading that. I thought, there is no way a single tablespoon of powder, without all the chemicals, will work. But I have to say, it works. I can't believe that it does, but it does. My dishes were just as clean as any other load.

I've also started using the spray cleaner instead of my Clorox wipes. I feel better about using this on my counters- especially where my family is eating. I like the citrus smell of it, too.

I also have the toilet cleaner but I have to say, I got this more for my cleaning lady than I did for me but I tried it and it seems to work well, too. I loathe cleaning toilets of any kind. But seeing as Jack is only 5, he can uh... how should I say this...he can miss his target from time to time. So with the amount of toilet cleaning that should be happening around here, I feel good about not flushing a bunch of toxins down the toilet.

So all in all, I'm feeling pretty good about my progress. Toot, toot! (That's the sound of me tooting my own horn on the pledge progress).

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I miss my talks with Jack

I miss my talks with Jack. He has spiraled so far into addiction, his Nintendo DS addiction. More times than not, I hear myself talking to him with no response. Our car rides, once full of Jack's thoughts and stories are now mostly silent with the exception of the cling, clang, ting, ting sound of the Lego's Star Wars game. And when he does talk, he now seems to ask me about things I know nothing about. Things like, "Did you know the clone army is huge?" or "Did you see Boba Fett's jet pack?" or "What do you think Jabba the Hut's weapon is?"


I want my talks back. I know they aren't lost for good. I know this because Jack was without his DS when I picked him up today and it was just like old times. As soon as we hopped into the car, Jack was his old self.

"Mommy, did you know Miss L and Miss J at school are mommies?" he asked.

"Uh huh. I did know that."

"They are mommies and teachers. And you are a mommy, too. Right Mommy?"

"Yup, that's true. I am a mommy."

Jack continued his thought process. "Because if you didn't have any kids, you wouldn't be a mommy. You'd just be a plain old grown up, right?"

"Uh, a 'plain old grown up'?"

"Uh huh, because if you didn't have kids, you would be lonely, right?"

I decided to tread lightly here. "Well, I love having you and Megan and wouldn't want it any other way. But sometimes people don't have kids because they have decided they didn't want to have them, or couldn't have them."

I paused for a second before I continued. "People who don't have kids aren't always lonely...they find other things they are interested in and they..."

Jack finished my sentence with, "They get a dog???"

Monday, February 2, 2009

Faux fur or gopher?

I had to capture this moment. We were waiting for the bus this morning and Megan came up to the front seat and put her head on my shoulder. Even though Megan was snuggling with me because she had a headache, I wanted to capture this moment since the sight of Megan snuggling can be as rare as seeing a Black Rhino. I didn't realize until after I took this what her face looked like.

After a moment, she lifted her head and started to play with the hood on my coat. She touched the furry part and said, "Ewww!"

"It's faux fur." I responded.

She gasped and said, "What do you mean it's gopher?!?"

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The solution to all your parenting problems...Talk like Yoda.

In addition to Jack's teacher being pregnant, his Aunt Lori is also expecting a baby this summer. Megan is well aware, and excited about, the impending new family arrival (scheduled for delivery this summer) but Jack isn't quite aware of it, yet. I was kind of taking the route where I would wait until he started commenting on how fat Aunt Lori was getting and then I would explain that it was...well, because she was growing a human being inside her tummy. This is where Jay and I differ in our parenting techniques. I willingly address and acknowledge subjects like body parts, puberty and having babies. I figure if the kids ask, you should answer their questions. Jay on the other hand...well, let me put it like this- I think if it was socially acceptable to do so, Jay would opt for explaining a baby's arrival using phrases like "The stork dropped it off" and/or "A UFO with aliens deliver it from outer space".

I've been on a business trip this week for work and due to some scheduling complications, Aunt Lori graciously agreed to come by and baby-sit. Now, Lori reads my blog and she had a couple questions after reading this post Here is the email exchange:

Lori: Billy is probably coming with me tomorrow. I think we are coming out as soon as we both get home and changed. We are both excited to see the kids. Does Jack know we are having a baby? I am nervous for him to ask questions based on Jen's blog!!!!!!

Jay: I don’t think Jack really knows. I don’t know why you and Jen feel like you have to answer his questions. If he asks a question you are uncomfortable with, just do what I do… Talk like Yoda and say something like, “Many questions you ask young Jedi. Tired I am of talking. Prepare to battle!!!!” He’ll forget all about it.