Thursday, January 8, 2009

Words of wisdom for my daughter (and these words also apply to my pregnant sister-in-law)

***Note: Parts of this post might be considered an "over-share". Please proceed with caution.

Dearest Megan (and you too Lori),

Although I would never claim that I've ever had a bladder of steel (those who knew me way-back-when can attest to the fact that making me laugh too hard had dire consequences), childbirth-more specifically vaginal child birth- has left me with a livable, but irritating "issue". Now, I stress the vaginal child birth because I've tried to commiserate with those "C-section ladies" and they look at me like they don't know what I'm talking about...bitches (I kid! Sort of).

Since I came down with a raging case of the Flu, I've had plenty of time on my hands to ponder a few things. As my illness evolved over the days from fever to chills, sweats to nausea, headache to migrane headache, and finally to settle in the chest with a hacking cough, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to give you some advice that may save you in the future. Listen to me carefully (you too Lori). What I am about to tell you will save you thousands of loads of laundry, not to mention the time saved on unnecessary clothing changes.

Megan, I say this without the least bit of resentment or judgement but... you and your brother ruined my bladder. Since those 9 months where you sat/swam around on my bladder, kicking at it, poking at it, I've never been the same. Running, jumping jacks, sneezing, coughing and the unintentional scare can all cause an unintended release from the bladder, an incontinence, if-you-will. But I'm here to give you hope. This tragedy was avoidable; I didn't follow directions when I was warned that pregnancy can weaken your bladder control. I laughed in the face of those who tried to tell me that the path to true enlightenment and bladder freedom was through a teeny, tiny exercise called a Kegel. Oh noooooooo. I didn't listen to them and for that, I am forever regretful.

The way I see it, you have 3 choices in your future to save your bladder control should you choose to birth a child:

1) Do the Kegels as advised.
2) Formally request a C-Section.
3) Invest heavily in Depends.

Good luck.
Hugs and kisses,


For Myself said...

The trampoline MOCKS me now. It laughs right in my face.

Maybe Megan will thank you for this one day!

For Myself said...

p.s. Glad you're feeling better!

Badass Geek said...

I have sympathy for those of the weak-bladdered. I, however, do have a bladder of steel. It is impervious to bullets.

Becca said...

I am a c-section bitch, but I have the joy of having caused this issue for my mom (I am #3 and she blames it on me)

Carolyn...Online said...

Amen sister. All I can say.

Hope you feel better soon.

Ms Picket To You said...

And dear girl, do not decide to dress up as Willy Wonka one halloween and laugh so hard as your friend walks in as post blueberry-d Veruca Salt that you find yourself with legs twisted like a pretzel just to ahem manage things.

Nash's Mom said...

Fantastic advice for women everywhere! Bravo.

Michele said...

Good advice though it is the full bladder and sneeze that gets me. Every...flippin'...time!

Lori said...

Umm... Can you tell I am exercising RIGHT NOW? It's like... one of my most favorite things to say. But now I really need to DO them. Thanks for the heads up. Really- It will be Kegal city over here. I will do them morning to night and my husband will be inclined to ask me why I am sweating while watching TV. LORI

DCD said...

Somehow I missed this post! I'm glad I realized my error since this is a very serious issue. Why is it whenever I read the word Kegal I must then attempt to do a Kegal. Then I promptly forget all about them until I come across that word again - 3 years later.

So thanks for my tri-yearly reminder!