Thursday, April 30, 2009

What's that you ask? Where have I been? Well, some days I've been standing in the rain, or sitting on a garbage can

Well, I've gone and done it. I've become one of those pseudo bloggers who claims to be a blogger and then just totally falls off the face of the earth. I usually have some funny little tid bits about Megan and Jack to share but well, I have barely seen them in the past week so I have no idea what they are doing. As of Monday 4/27, I am officially a Chicago commuter. I took a new job that requires me to actually shower and put on make-up every day (gasp) and then herd myself like cattle onto a train to head into the Windy City every morning.

All I know is I should have taken a job outside the home a long time ago. I kid, but I must say it was nice to come home after my first day in the "office" to flowers and a steak dinner from my husband and then to be smothered with hugs and kisses from the kids every day.

The commuting experience sounded very glamorous. I imagined myself looking all swanky, with my coffee in one hand and ipod in the other moseying onto the train every morning. Uh yeah...not so much. It's more like try not to make eye contact with anyone as you shove them out of the way to get one of the last remaining open seats. I didn't realize you had to be so aggressive and so I spent one of my commutes this week sitting on the garbage can on the train. I wish I was joking.

Anyway, so we are adjusting. Tonight, I put Megan to bed and she kissed me goodnight and then took her blanket and said, "Look Mom, I'm making out with my blanket." I said, "How do you even know what making out is? You are seven."

"I don't know, I just know it."

I sighed and said, "Well I guess pretty soon I'm going to have to tell you about the facts of life."

Megan looked at me strangely and said, "Facts of life? What are those? Does it include pie???"

Monday, April 20, 2009

Megan's First Communion

It was a big weekend for us. Megan had her First Communion.

She had a number of parts in the mass and I was a nervous wreck. She was the procession leader and she also had a reading for the presentation of the gifts. She did great. Once her parts were over, she sat by me and continually asked how much longer it was going to take.

She kept saying she wanted to go eat her cake. I can't blame her. I had a friend of mine make a cake and it was soooo cute! Megan told me earlier in the day that she wanted one of the entire feet for her piece of the cake. But as she continued to ask away about when exactly we would be "done", I had had enough...

Megan: How much longer will this take?
Me: Not long.
Megan: How much longer?
Me: Not long.
Megan: When can we go eat my cake?
Me: Well, you know, each time you ask me about how much longer this will take, your piece of cake gets smaller and smaller.
Megan: Really? Are you serious?
Me: Yes, and right about now, your piece of the cake is about the size of a toe, not the entire foot.
Megan: Awww. I don't like toes. They taste disgusting.
Me: How would you know how toes taste?
Megan (shrugging her shoulders): Um, because I've licked my toes before...
Me: That's gross.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


In a couple weeks, Megan and her dad will be attending the annual Girl Scouts Daddy/Daughter dance. Every year, there is a theme to the dance; this year's theme requires the participants to dress up as cowboys and cowgirls. As I did the dishes tonight, I overheard Megan and Jay talking about the dance.

Jay: I think I need to find my chaps to wear to the dance.
Megan: What are chaps?
Jay: Chaps are pants without the back. They only have the front of the pants.
Megan: That is sick!

Friday, April 10, 2009

It's a multi-purpose tool, really...

So I watched this Oprah episode yesterday about how to talk to your kids about sex. It is now saved on my DVR with a lock on it to never delete until I say so. Because although I don't need that advice right now, it certainly will come in handy in about 2-3 years when Megan is closer to the age of 10. (Except for the part where the Dr. suggests that as a parent, you offer your 15 year old daughter the possibility of a vibrator. Um, sorry no- prudesaywhat?) The episode had a mother on the show talking to her 10 year old, explaining in detail the mechanics of sex.

I've always wondered exactly what I should say once the time was upon us to explain the "Birds and the Bees". And when I say "us", I mean me because there is NO WAY Jay is going to take on that task. Actually, Jay and I tend to differ on the best approach. I'm of the tell them early and often mentality and Jay... well, let me put it this way- I think he once told me that he doesn't want our kid to be the one who is the first of his/her friends to know. He wants them to be "middle of the pack".

At any rate, I've always tried to create an environment where my kids are not ashamed of their bodies. We call their "stuff" by its real name and when my kids are um, "exploring" I usually turn a blind eye.

The other day, Jack was in the bathtub and Megan and I were in the bathroom with him talking about other things, not really paying attention to him. I could hear him chattering away to himself but I didn't pay much attention until he called out something that sounded like, "penis control".

Megan started to giggle and I looked over at Jack who was sprawled out on his back in the tub and clearly had a handle on his, uh...appendage.

I asked him, "What did you say, Jack?"

Jack, still fully hands on explained, "I said that my body is a robot and my penis is the remote control. See, I just grab it and when I move it, it controls my body."

Now, I don't have a penis myself (obviously) but well, the way he was handling that thing seemed to be a bit reckless in my mind. Megan was giggling uncontrollably at this point and her eyes were huge. She leaned over and whispered to me, "Mommy, um, what is that thing under his penis that looks like a balloon?"

"It's his (gulp) testicles."

Megan squealed and when I looked back over, Jack was now taking his finger and poking at his penis; it almost looked as if he was trying to stuff it back into his body. Jack heard Megan's reaction and looked at her as if she was crazy. "What? It feels good," he said defending himself.

This put Megan over the edge, "Mooom!!!!" she wailed.

"Megan, why don't you go put on your pajamas. Leave Jack alone. It's his body and he can do what he wants with it." I told her.

I let Jack have a few more moments with to himself while I pondered what he said. " penis is the remote control. See, I just grab it and when I move it, it controls my body."

Double entendre, anyone?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The lid controversy

Recently, Jack has been making a critical mistake- one that has not gone unnoticed by the people in our house that don't have any Y chromosomes. It started very sporadically; a few months back Jack left the lid of the toilet seat up. It wouldn't have been so bad but Megan happened to sit down without looking. Let's just say the cold porcelain wasn't very comforting and her loud squeal of "Jaaaaack!!!!" let us know she wasn't very pleased. I tried to explain to Jack that in our house, the toilet seats *must* remain down. I thought we were on the same page...until the last couple days.

On multiple occasions, Jack has left the toilet seat up. And, well, it's just disgusting- especially when it is the day before my cleaning lady arrives (like today) because that means Jack and his not-so-perfect-aim is very um...apparent and has had multiple days to accumulate when one lifts the toilet seat. I shudder just thinking about it.

So today was my breaking point. The lid was up...again. Megan happened to be standing by me and we gave each other a knowing glance and and eye roll before I sighed and called, "Hey Jack?"

"What Mommy?" he responded from the other room.

"Jack, you really need to remember to put the lid down, buddy. I'm serious. It's gross and us girls are going to start rebelling."

Megan nodded vehemently and tacked on to my sentiment. "Yeah, Jack. You aren't going to get any dates!"

And while what Megan said is perhaps true, I wasn't exactly talking about the entire human population rebelling...just the two females in this house.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

They don't even know me at all.

A few weeks ago, a high school classmate of mine posted something of interest in Facebook. She had a series of questions she asked her young children to answer- questions about her specifically. So I decided I would shamelessly steal the idea and once I had my kids trapped in the bathtub, I let the interrogation begin. I must say, the results of my line of questioning were somewhat surprising.

1) What is something Mom always says to you?
Jack: No
Megan: Uh...uh...uh...Do you have one of these questions for Daddy instead?
What I learned: Jack thinks I'm mean and Megan apparently listens to Jay more than me.

2) What makes Mom happy?
Jack: When I say I love you.
Megan: Chocolate
What I learned: Both my kids are very perceptive.

3) What makes Mom sad?
Jack: Doing mean stuff.
Megan: Hmmm...Do you have one of these questions for Daddy instead? (And after I told her "Enough with the Daddy comments, okay???" Ummm...When we say we don't want to hug you or kiss you?
What I learned: Jack makes sweeping generalizations and Megan clearly likes Jay more than me.

4) How does your mom make you laugh?
Jack: She tells jokes.
Megan: She, she, she um...well, um, I'm not very sure...I'm still thinking.
What I learned: Really??? Really??? I've got nothing on this one.

5) How old is your mom?
Jack: I don't know...100?
Megan: I think Mommy's 37.
What I learned: Apparently Jack thinks I'm as ancient as the hills.

6) How tall is your mom?
Jack: 5 inches tall
Megan: Uh, six feet and ten inches?
What I learned: I think my kids think I might be Alice in Wonderland given the disparity in their answers.

7) What does your mom do when you're not around?
Jack: She works.
Megan: Mommy eats food.
What I learned: Megan thinks I have an eating disorder.

8)What is your mom really good at?
Jack: Uh, uh, uh...Walking? Everyone's good at walking, except for babies.
Megan: Uh...let's see...What was the question? She's pretty good at making Mac & Cheese, I guess.
What I learned: Walking? Really Jack??? And Megan- Mac & Cheese? Sigh...

9) What is your mom not very good at?
Jack: Running.
Megan: Awww...Oooh! I know! Singing.
What I learned: Jack thinks I have coordination issues and Megan is very perceptive to my voice (which sounds like a dying cat).

10) What makes you proud of your mom?
Jack: I don't know.
Megan: Well, um... She um... she has freckles?
What I learned: Clearly my kids have a 9 question limit. This is just depressing.

11) How are you and your mom different?
Jack: I like fighting and Mommy doesn't.
Megan: She's bigger than me...What if I said you had a bigger bum? (hee hee hee)
What I learned: I'm a lover, not a fighter... and Megan thinks I have a fat ass.

12) How do you know your Mom loves you?
Jack: The kissing.
Megan: 'Cuz um, well if she weren't here, I don't know where I would get my cookies...or my cold milk.
What I learned: I was put on this earth to deliver cookies and milk as a sign of my utter love and devotion.

13) Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Jack: I don't know... On dates?
Megan: In her bed.
What I learned: Clearly I need to get out more.