Friday, July 31, 2009

I was there for less than 24 hours but a lot of my stay involved conversations about ass.

A lot of times when I try to relay a funny tale, I think it misses something in the translation. It's not quite as funny in the retelling as it was experiencing it first hand. Because of that reason, I threw out the following Twitter message:

Debating if I should blog about my Tourrettes like moment at Blogher when I yelled "ass crack" at @Carolynonline.

And then Carolyn...Online sent this back:
CarolynOnline@jwachtel Yes please. And when we did synchronized drinking. And when I scared that poor HPV lady with my ass cancer comment.

It confirmed that there was at least one other person who agreed my less-than-24-hour experience at Blogher was filled with hilarious moments. So I'm going to try to do it justice in the re-telling. First and foremost, I met Carolyn...Online and Miss Picket in real life. They are both lovely, funny, and smart and I'm so glad I went. That said, I still had the normal anxiety one might experience upon meeting someone face-to-face for the first time. I worried that perhaps I might say the wrong thing at some point and offend them, or that worse yet, maybe we'd have nothing to say to each other and there would be lots of long awkward pauses. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. While Carolyn and I waited for Darcy (Miss Picket) to arrive from her hellacious flight where a bunch of drunk firefighters got kicked off the plane because they were yelling about being late for strippers, we watched a number of bloggers read during the Friday night keynotes. Mid-way through, when Carolyn typed a note on her Blackberry that read something like, "Do you want to stay here or should we listen to this from the lobby bar?", I felt as though I'd known her in real life for much longer than the 60 minutes we'd actually known each other.

And perhaps it was because I felt as if I'd known Carolyn for an extremely long time that I involuntarily yelled out to her in a Tourrettes-like fashion, "ASS CRACK, ASS CRACK" when I literally saw some lady's ass crack walking through the lobby. In my defense, it isn't every day that one sees major crackage just hanging out there for everyone to see but believe me, this was a major oversight in fashion on this lady's part. As soon as the words flew out of my mouth, and Carolyn turned around, I thought perhaps this was going to be the moment where I said something to offend her. Carolyn looked at me, and then looked at ass crack lady for approximately 2.234 seconds before she said, "Should I take a picture of it? Would that be wrong to take a picture of it?" Kindred spirits we are, I tell you!

Next up? The lobby bar to watch the rest of the speakers and sip on our ice-cold beers and continue waiting for Darcy's plane to arrive. As we watched the speakers each one as funny, touching, and brilliant as the next, Carolyn and I drank in perfect synchronicity...literally. At one point, we both raised our beers to our mouths at exactly the same time and had a bit of a laugh over that. But in all seriousness, it's nice to be drinking with someone who is on pace with you- matching you drink for drink. (Uh, does that make me sound like a total alcoholic???)

Anyhoo...still waiting for Darcy to arrive (Where the hell are you Darcy???) and we head down to the cocktail party and took one last tour of the swag area. We made a momentary stop to hear the one minute pitch of the Pearl of Wisdom lady. She explained to us that the pins she was handing out were for cervical cancer awareness. And it was here, in this moment, where Carolyn started a sentence that ended with something along these lines (I'm paraphrasing), "and you know poor Farrah Fawcett with her ass cancer." To which I started to giggle like a 13 year-old and said something like, "Uh, that's the wrong hole." (giggle, giggle). I looked to my left to see the Wisdom of Pearl lady shifting uncomfortably as Carolyn and I continued our side conversation.

Carolyn: "Yeah, but both of those cancers are caused from that same HPV virus or something."
Me(laughing hysterically by this point): Oh...really?
Wisdom of Pearl lady (mortified): ...

Then we left the booth as fast as we could both bending over in laughter. And when I say "as fast as we could" I mean me taking 3 steps, crossing my legs and bending over so as not to wet my pants from laughing.

And FINALLY...Darcy arrived and we filled both her hands with beers to catch up with us and then snuck in through the back door of a party. So fun.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Mornings with Jack

This weekend we took a family trip up to our farm in Wisconsin. While we are still in the cleaning phase of our farm adventure, we opt to stay in a hotel. This means two things:

1) I usually get kicked in the face by either Megan or Jack in the middle of the night since we share a bed.

2) I get an awesome 10-12 hours of sleep since we go to bed when the kids do at around 8:00ish.

An added bonus is hearing Jack's morning thoughts. This is when he's at his most engaging, loving, and questioning self.

Morning #1 (scene-Me sleeping with Jack)
Jack (rolling over to snuggle): Snugga...snugga (translation- snuggle...I want to snuggle)
Me: ... (translation- no translation...just laying there hoping he will go back to bed).
Jack: Mommy?
Me: Yes.
Jack: You are the most beautiful girl in the whole world!
Me: Thanks, Jack.
Jack: I love you.
Me: I love you too- so much.
Jack: You are the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world!
Me: Thanks, Jack.
(pause...pause...)
Jack: Now what are you supposed to say to me?
Me: Uh...you are the most handsome boy in the whole world?
Jack: Thanks, Mommy!

Morning #2 (scene- me standing in the bathroom with Jack as he is taking his morning pee)
Jack (peeing): Mommy?
Me: Yes?
Jack (looking down): How come sometimes my penis looks like this?
Me (looking down to see his little morning wood): Uh, hmmm. Well...because sometimes that happens with boys, especially in the mornings.
Jack: But why?
Me: Uh...well...because...uh, there is blood that flows in there and it well...gets hard...and it's called an erection.
Jay (strolling by the bathroom): What's he asking about?
Me (gesturing to Jack): He wants to know why his penis looks like that sometimes.
Jay (disappearing):...

Friday, July 24, 2009

I'm doing it.

Tonight, I will be stepping out of my comfort zone. Really and truly outside of my comfort zone. I am social in circumstances where I know the people I'm with. I'm at my best in those situations. Put me in a crowd of people where I know no one? Uh, yeah- I'm getting hives just thinking about it. I imagine myself wandering aimlessly through a crowd of people gripping my Blackberry and pretending what I'm looking at on that screen is of most importance to avoid the awkward eye contact and lack of witty things to say.

Last year at this time, I envisioned what it would be like to go. And then I got an email from Carolyna few weeks ago...

It's Carolyn Online. How've you been? I think that new train ride to work is cutting into your blog writing time.

Are you still planning to go to Blogher? You know our door is open for you to stay with us at the hotel. Also, if you're going, Darcy and I just rsvp'd to the MamaPop party on Friday night. You just go to the mamapop website and leave a comment - that's the rsvp for the party.


I said yes and left it at that. I told Jay I was doing it. And a few weeks went by without another word. I started to talk myself out of it because I'm anxious like that.

And then the other email came from Ms. P....

Are you spending the night with me and Carolyn? You are
welcome to, and I hope you will!!! ...If you are (AND YOU BETTER BE), please bring a cooler. Seriously! There is no way we can keep the joint jumping with a coupla ice tubs from down the hall.

Lemme know.


I mentioned the email to Jay. His response? "Why wouldn't you go???" And then my resolve was strengthened. So I'm going. To Blogher. With Ms. P. and Carolyn...Online. And I'm bringing a cooler. And I can't wait.

Oh, and did I mention that they are authors? These two lovely ladies wrote a book. Oh yes, they did.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The sound of my heart breaking

The sound of my heart breaking. It sneaks up on me sometimes when I least expect it but it happens more frequently now that I am a mother.

I suppose all moms know what I mean; that tight squeeze of your heart strings when your baby falls, or gets picked on, or well ... whatever.

The other night, as Jack scooted around our cul-de-sac, Jay, Megan and I walked around the back of the house to look at our newly built shed and ponder where the shelves should go.

About 5 minutes later, I heard Jack crying-really hard, and from inside our house, I heard him yell in a panicked voice what sounded like,"Is anyone here?!?"

I walked to the house calling his name. I assumed he must have fallen and scraped his knee but as I got closer, there was no sign of blood and all the signs of pure terror in my 5 year-old's face. "What's wrong buddy?" I asked as I scooped him up into my arms.

Jack: I (gasp)...couldn't (sob)...find...you (more sobs)
Me: Awww, did you think we left you?
Jack: (sob) Yes!
Me (looking him right in the eye): Look at me...look at me...We would NEVER leave you. Never.
Jack: Never?
Me: Never! We would never leave you behind.
Jack: But what if someone stole me away?
Me: We'd look for you until we found you.
Jack: You'd never give up?
Me: We'd NEVER give up.
Jack: What if someone put me in a box and sent me to China?
Me: Then we'd go to China and look for you until we found you.

And in that short minute, with that brief exchange, I felt it- my breaking heart. In that short moment, it was so important to me that he know, really and truly know, that we'd NEVER give up-even if it meant we had to go to China and search through boxes. I'd do it. No question.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Sometimes kids say things that, while funny, can be quite genius.

Jack's first words upon waking, "Daddy, I learned something in my sleep last night...love defeats mean."

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Clearly, I'm an idiot.

So I was at T-Ball tonight and had one of my not-so-finer-moments...I think I *might* have yelled "Brutal!" a little too loudly at when one of the kids kept doing practice swings. In my defense, it was more like he thought he was playing golf with all the practice swings.

I said to Jay, "Did I just yell that too loud??" He shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Meh."

About two minutes later he informed me that in fact, the brutal kid's father just happened to be sitting next to us.

Clearly, I'm an idiot.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Tribute to Michael Jackson

With all the media hoopla about Michael Jackson, it was only a matter of time before my kids began to ask questions, and express an interest in MJ. Megan has expressed her interest in the usual ways- asking what our favorite MJ songs are, and asking for MJ songs and the Thriller video to be added to her iPod.

Both kids have given their best shot at the moon walk and have watched the Thriller video multiple times.

Jack's MJ interest manifested itself through Legos. This is Jack's tribute to Michael Jackson a la Thriller.



Notice Jack's attention to detail with the forward motion of MJ and his girl friend running from the ghoul. MJ is even wearing his signature red outfit. Jack searched high and low through his Lego pieces to find just the right hair for MJ. Makes a mother proud to see this level of creativity from a 5 year-old.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

It's like we never had kids

Last night my newest nephew was born! We are all very excited for this event. My sister-in-law Lori, and her husband are the proud parents of a new baby boy.

We've been anxiously awaiting this little guy's arrival. The last few months have been full of anxious moments for them (and us!) which you can read about here.

Megan and Jack are excited, too. They were telling us last night that they want a new brother of their own. It was kind of sweet the way they asked for a new brother in the same way they'd ask for a new toy, or a new dog. Obviously, we said no... but what I thought was- "Not just no, but hell no".

At any rate, he's here- and he's healthy- and I can't wait to get my hands on the little guy. We all anxiously awaited word yesterday for any news of progress and finally just like that, he was here!

Jay was sitting on the porch when I got the news so I ran out to tell him.

Me: He's here!
Jay: He is? How is everything?
Me: Good- it went fine.
Jay: But...everything's fine?
Me: Yup. They are all good. Everyone is healthy. Lori pushed for about an hour and a half and...
Jay (looking surprised): Is that normal?
Me: Yeah, I pushed for about two hours with Megan.
Jay (obviously forgetting most details about our children's births): ...(pause...pause)...huh, really? It's almost like we never had kids.